.

Should I start blogging again?

2010-01-22T05:14:00.000-08:00

Hm... I'm thinking about it-- it's almost been a year now. My photo bucket account with my profile pic is apparently even inactive, LOL. Not sure I have time in this crazy, wonderful life, but, I might think about it.

Hello out there?

2009-03-05T05:53:00.000-08:00

I have not fallen off the face of the earth, but have been really busy and blogging just hasn't been fast enough for me... facebook has though, so I've been posting there. I do miss this from time to time-- just being able to post something longer, and "writing" in general, but I don't know if I'll get around to it or not.

The kiddos are both home sick today. Thomas was sick Monday; Tyler came home yesterday with a temp, and today they are both sick. They seem to be better at the moment...

Pinewood derby is Saturday, and we've finally gotten Thomas' about finished. I'll try to post pics.

Don't know if anyone is reading this or not, but if so, a big hello. :)

L

OK...

2008-12-21T12:23:00.001-08:00

I am trying to figure out how to get back to this... I have easily given in to Facebook as my primary mode of posting since going back to work FT. I do miss my pics here, and having the space to say more than a sentence, but it has been so nice to catch up with people on FB... all the way back to ele. school... amazing. Anyway, after Monday this week, I have the whole week off, so maybe I'll try to do a thing or two. Until then, if you haven't joined me on FB, please do... I'm easier to stay up with there.

Merry Christmas,
L

what's going on

2008-11-05T08:34:00.000-08:00

I'm home today-- day off work, and doing some online searching for jobs for Andrew-- he's getting really good at sending out his resume-- well, I am, too (his resume, I mean).

Anyway... still not in the "light" mood I was talking about in my last post, but thought I'd pop in here anyway. I haven't re-capped anything in so long, I'm not sure where to start.

I'm sure I have lost of pics to add here-- of Halloween-- of Tyler playing basketball... His team won their first game, which was amazing! :) I have pics of Thomas dressed up as his book character this year. He was Backward Bill (from Shel Silverstein's A Light in the Attic)-- wore a boot on his head, a hat on his foot and we built him a horse, too.

The boys both got all A's on their report cards-- so proud of them!

Let's see... lots of reading still going on around here... and I've really gotten into Anne of Green Gables (movies)... I must be getting old, ha! Still loving my job-- it is so nice to be in a place that feels like a "fit"... there are some "hopeful" things there, too.

I won't post all the "heavy" stuff, but that is the light stuff.

And, I must post a song, too. Andrew and I have been chatting about some songs we want to do when our contemporary service begins (we are planning to lead worship), and this is one of my picks...

Beautiful... isn't it?

Everything rides on hope now.

L

I just haven't been into it... sorry.

2008-10-30T08:30:00.000-07:00

I've been gone so long from here, there should be cob webs. I just have not been able to get into blogging much lately... just dealing with things.

I read this book a couple of weeks ago, and one of the characters got to a point where she tried to decide how much something "weighed" before she would share it with someone. Sometimes things were just too heavy and so she kept them to herself because she thought the weight of them would turn people off-- or that it was just to heavy of a thing to put out there. I guess that is where I have been.

As soon as things feel lighter, I'll be back. And, at some point, I am going to change the layout here as I planned. Just not into it right now.

To leave things a little lighter for now...

Some random things that make me smile..

L

Once again

2008-10-07T14:52:00.001-07:00

We are in the midst of making some decisions around here... and wondering how things are going to turn out. I have total faith in God to provide for our needs and want to fully trust that it is all for our good. It's rough right now with Andrew-- trying to build a business is a long process, and it's hard to make sure that you are financially covered during the process when you don't have any other means of income.

I do, but I am part-time right now, so I really honestly need more hours. And, I LOVE my job-- I would love it if it were full-time, too! :) I feel like I have found myself there, if that makes sense. I would love to go full-time there and I am already looking into grad programs for my Library Science license / master's... only time will tell. In the meantime, I am praying and really want it all to work out. I have truly felt God's grace through finding this job at the library-- something I have wanted to do for so long, and I feel like being there is a gift. There are so many ways to plug in my experiences in this job, and it just feels really good to do that.

Anyway, I have the day off tomorrow, so I am sure I will be cleaning-- this house NEEDS it. Thomas has piano camp this week for a few days, so we'll be driving him there and back, too. It's kind-of across thee county from here, so it takes a little chunk out of the day. I really want to do something for the kids' fall break, and we had talked about a movie, just gotta figure out how to make it fit with piano...

Off to figure out supper.

Peace to all,
L

Just a few notes

2008-10-05T19:22:00.000-07:00

I know, I know... MIA... life, you know. Honestly, I got REALLY sucked into the Twilight Series of books and didn't come up for air for almost 2 weeks, finishing all 4 books in less than that time. I have read two more (short) books since Friday and it's just not the same, LOL. I miss my Bella and Edward. :( Laugh if you must, but wow, that was an amazing series of books!

Andrew's birthday was yesterday and we have just really been enjoying each other lately. I am truly so blessed to be married to my best friend. I think we get better together with age... which is a good thing, since he is now officially an old fart (I can say that for the next 3 months anyway). :)

The kids are on Fall break this week, so a little more sleep is ahead and I hope to finally get back up to speed here this week. I have a couple of days off during the week, too, since I will be working the weekend.

There are still some changes and unknown variables in our lives right now, and I've sort of not felt like writing about them, and as I mentioned, I have had my nose buried in some books. We're trying to figure out our next steps, not really seeing what will unfold yet, but trusting in the grace God always has for us.

I am also working on (writing) a book-- which might not even be finished for 20 years at this rate, but that is okay, I will get there. :)

Anyway, just ramblings for now, but will be back (with a new look here, I hope) later this week. Until then... have you heard this guy (Phil Wickham)? Just awesome... I **need** his CD.

WOW!!!!

I am writing...

2008-09-25T12:34:00.000-07:00

and reading, and reading and writing. My new job has inspired me to devour books again, LOL... and that only causes the domino effect... so I am writing... a book... not an idea book... that's all I will say right now as it's all still freshly pouring from my brain... and I have to go to work now...

More later. Hope everyone is well!
L

seriously

2008-09-19T08:50:00.000-07:00

I am still alive. Seriously. This place is so neglected... and dark... and I will get to the changes I said I was making here. I shot the photos and then got sidetracked, and well you know that means I ended up de-railed altogether, LOL.

Anyway, work is good and seems I have two jobs now... one for Andrew... I will explain all that soon. No time now. Off to work in a bit. Just wanted to pop in and wave my hands a little. I will return, seriously, I will. Lots to say and post, just been working on a bunch of little things that add up to a lot.

In the meantime, please go check out CrossGig again and let me know what you think. There's a lot more there now and specifically, let me know what you see at the top. We've been working on the size of the header and I am wondering what you see on your computer. My laptop is configured small and so I had to shrink some things for others. If you wouldn't mind, let me know what your computer shows you. :)

Thanks!

TTYS,
L

still adjusting...

2008-09-09T16:55:00.000-07:00

but loving the new job... been working on things with Andrew, too, so still haven't gotten to my new header, etc. here, but will. Just wanted to say I am around but scarce right now. More to update but wipeout is coming on and the boys await, LOL. Will be back soon with the rest...

L

BIG NEWS

2008-09-05T06:26:00.000-07:00

I'm changing the blog again... even working on a new header... gasp! I know, I have had that header the entire life of this blog, but I got inspired to make a new one yesterday while I was making a header for the new...

da-da-da-da... CrossGig

Please click that link up there! :)

This is the project Andrew has been working so hard on that I have been hinting around about all this time... They are launching with the blog and leading into a website that is going to be amazing for independent Christian bands! It is going to be a huge resource for independent bands and venues-- we are super excited about it! Check the CrossGig blog for more information and updates about the upcoming site!

As for my header... I'm excited for the change. I think it's symbolic of how I feel right now. It's an exciting time and such a huge time of blessing for me. I went to the gym this morning-- another shock, I know... I walked the track alone and decided that is a good time to listen to God. I struggle with understanding all of these blessings He continues to give me. I am so not worthy. I am continually amazed at the power of Grace.

Anyway, I am rambling, LOL. Gonna get some work done and I'll get my new header up soon, too.

Blessings and grace,
L

A lesson from Tyler

2008-09-03T15:38:00.000-07:00

He got one stamp on his paper instead of two because he colored something blue that was supposed to be black, LOL. Then, he got himself really upset (I think partially because he was embarrassed about his reaction), and I guess he must have been hyperventilating because he told the teacher he was having trouble breathing and that it must be his asthma and he is allergic to school (his asthma is mild and it doesn't impact his breathing-- he was using it). Poor baby. Andrew was still on his way home from dropping them off at school when the call came in from school, so I called him and he turned around to console him. It was hard for me not to go be Mommy, but I know he would have had another melt-down just for my benefit BECAUSE I am Mommy We both went back to pick them up at the end of the day, and of course he was totally fine. He is so hard on himself, and I am afraid, a little perfectionist like his mother is prone to be... I have been working on him not to be so hard on himself, and then this today... I told him that the number of stamps he has on his paper is not the point-- the point is that he tries his best. And, we talked about the fact that he is kindergarten to learn and that GOD is the only perfection there is or ever will be. He seems much better now.

See what modeled perfectionism can do to a kid? This just reinforces the fact that I need to continue to strive toward that Mary example I want and need to be for my kids. I know that I am more "Mary" these days, but it will take some time to change that in the eyes of those around me. Thank God for the lessons and reminders that He brings through our children!

I have a new job!

2008-09-02T15:10:00.000-07:00

It's official... I start next Monday-- at the public library (in the capital city) in the children's department! I am really excited-- 23 hours a week, still working with kids without the long days and planning. I'm hoping to use my creative skills a bit, but not be so stressed out or exhausted. :)

Yay! I really feel like this is the plan God had in mind for me for this season; I really do... and it leaves me open enough to help out as I am needed in other places... and maybe even snap a photo or two. I have big hopes and am so thankful! :)

Off to dinner,
L

today I will have some news

2008-09-02T09:23:00.000-07:00

but, I can't post it just yet... but, I will when I can. Gotta get the final details settled. I also have a lot of photos I want to post from the concert we went to on Friday. It was a really good concert and it was so nice to "get away" even just for an evening. We bought these tickets so long ago, it felt like it would never come, and now, it's over... but, it was so good!

Andrew is in Lex for a bit working. We're still in limbo a bit, but getting closer.

When I have something to share, I'll be back.

Have a good day,
L

who am I?

2008-08-29T05:04:00.000-07:00

After I posted yesterday, I got a call for an interview at a library in the children's department... so, I am going today at 1:30. Then, 6 minutes later, I got a call from my previous school about the job I had mentioned. The timing had me all confused. But, I just feel like I need to go to the interview so that I can see clearly what God wants me to do. If the door is not open there, I will absolutely know that I should take the job at the school.

This has been a really stressful time with Andrew's company starting out, too... it is only through daily prayer-- really minute by minute that I have been able to stay sane at all, LOL. God is definitely with us and my faith and trust is being grown from all of this. I do admit that I would like to get off this rollercoaster we have been on, but I know God is using it for His purposes, and so I praise Him and am thankful for the grace He provides-- even in the smallest things, I am thankful. This is something that has not come easy for me, but wow, what a different person He is creating in me. That is not to say I don't have my moments, but with Him all things are possible, and I just can't let go of that... my tightened fist has been loosened with the rest and I am coming to love more and more that picture I have up there as my banner. My hand is open, not clinched tight on all the things in my life. My handful of things doesn't belong to me; it all and they all belong to God. My hand is wide open. When I took that picture, it wasn't-- not really. It was clinched tight, holding on to everything with all my might. My kids, my marriage, my career... even my relationship with Him (see the cross up there?)... I was holding tight trying to control it all.

Andrew and I listened to a sermon yesterday, and I couldn't help but cry when the pastor mentioned the story of Mary and Martha. During this season of my life, I have truly been blessed to become the Mary I have longed to be. I have my Martha moments, but I am truly sitting at His feet, listening for the first time in my life... my messy house is proof that I am not running around like a Martha anymore, LOL. :) Even though it has been difficult, wow-- what a gift He has given me! Who am I to deserve such a blessing? I don't deserve it, but He gives it to me anyway. That is grace. That is letting go. That is having an open hand.

Over time You’ve healed so much in me
And I am living proof
That although my darkest hour had come
Your light could still shine through
Though at times it’s just enough to cast
A shadow on the wall
Well I am grateful that
You shined Your light on me at all

Who am I
That You would love me so gently?
Who am I
That You would recognize my name?
Lord, who am I
That You would speak to me so softly?
Conversation with the Love most high,..
Who am I?

Well, amazing grace how sweet the sound
That saved a wretch like me
I once was lost but now I’m found
Was blind but now I see
And the more I sing that sweet old song
The more I understand-
That I do not comprehend this love
That’s coming from Your hand…

Grace, grace
God’s grace
Grace that will pardon and cleanse within
Grace, grace
God’s grace
Grace that is greater than all our sin…

Amazing grace, how sweet the sound
Amazing love, now flowing down
From hands and feet
That were nailed to the tree
Grace flows down and covers me…
(REPEAT)

And covers me…
And covers me…
And covers me…
And covers me…
(REPEAT)

Who am I
That You would love me so gently?
Who am I
That you would recognize my name?
Lord who am I
That You would speak to me so softly?
Conversation with the Love most High…
Who am I?

fast week

2008-08-28T04:26:00.000-07:00

Is it Thursday already? What a fast week!

I went to orientation for subbing on Tuesday-- had a physical Monday (tweaking my meds again for one last shot to get the Neurontin to the right level-- if this doesn't work, we're changing it)-- had to have my TB test read yesterday... Thomas had his choir try-outs on Monday, too-- he made it! :) He had a little grin on his face when I picked them up on Tuesday, so I knew before he even opened his mouth. :) Andrew's been working on his new company and they are getting everything in place, so he's been really busy.

Then, yesterday, I also got a call from the school I just left. They had sort-of offered me a part-time job, but the hours, etc. didn't work out... yesterday, they offered me a few more hours, so I may end up doing it and stay on the sub list for the county for afternoon sub needs... the sub caller said there is a need for that. I also want to get my photography going and get back to writing, so having the afternoons free would be ideal if it works out. God has a plan and I am listening.

Anyway, a busy week in the rollercoater that is us these days... we'll see what today brings. :)

L

the song

2008-08-25T14:37:00.000-07:00

...that Thomas chose on his own today (totally unplanned, unrehearsed and unknown by us) to try out for his school choir.

:)

Isn't he a cool kid?

what is that about?

2008-08-21T14:39:00.001-07:00

So, have you ever gotten someplace new-- to a new level of something God wanted you to see only to be knocked down to a new level two seconds later? That is what today was... bad day... and how quickly I gave in... so not right. God is still in charge and I am so not. I need to remember that that is not only OK, but exactly the way it should be. Sure, I'm sad but I am also disappointed in myself for forgetting even for a second that God is in control.

On another note, went for a follow up today at the doctor's and she says I have a hormonal imbalance... no big surprise there, but on the up side, my thyroid looks better. :) She also checked me for food allergies (still looking for the culprit of the twitching)...

So, that's what I know... God is so not through with me yet-- that is sure!

Lynn

some decisions to make

2008-08-19T06:31:00.000-07:00

So, God has really been working on me these past few weeks, and it has been really hard to put all that into words. I've had this revelation about what grace really is-- and what people often wrongly call it. Grace can never be paid for or deserved in any way. This has been something that I have never really gotten until now. There are no strings attached and no good deed that can equal it. Grace is also not always what we think we want... sometimes it is the very thing we think we don't want... but, in that God shapes us more into the person He wants us to be and because of that, in the end, the thing we don't want often becomes the best thing that has ever happened to us. I know this is really deep for a Tuesday morning, LOL... I just finally get it.

So, after the past for weeks with God, He has shown me that grace is enough. Seriously. And, I need to stop fretting over making decisions, but in the end, whichever way I choose, as long as I live inside His grace, He will use it for my good-- and more importantly, For His. Is that to say I should quit seeking His guidance? Not at all. But, I need to stop putting so much pressure on myself to make the "right" decision. I need to pray about it and then leave it entirely up to Him.

His grace is enough for me.

still here

2008-08-18T06:04:00.000-07:00

Just processing... ups, downs, ups again... tired body. Nerve issue acting up... reading, searching, homework with the kids. Figuring stuff out, letting go... experiencing God's graces... failing, experiencing them anyway... praying, learning... listening.

Will be back soon. :)

Grace to you,

L

my theme song

2008-08-12T15:02:00.000-07:00

I just heard this on the radio today for the first time... I could have written it-- seriously. But, Sanctus Real did instead.

My new theme song...

1st day of school

2008-08-08T06:44:00.000-07:00

"What?" you say... "already?"... "Yes", I say... "already". I am in a quiet house. A very quiet house. My babies are at school... already.

This is the first time in a long, long time that I got to feel like a parent on the first day of school. I have this constant guilt battle though, so I almost feel guilty for getting to do that-- and guilty about being here in the quiet house without them. I'm working on that though, and trying to appreciate the undeserved grace in that.

Here are a few pictures of my big 4th grader and kindergartener (yes, my baby went off to kindergarten today) walking in to school... we decided to park and walk together for the first day. Come Monday, we'll be dropping them off from the car line. Just a couple of notes about the pics. The school rolls out a "red carpet" on the first day of school each year... thus, the red thing by the door... and, the lady who is holding the door (the one in the pink shirt), is Tyler's teacher. I had a couple more, but you know, Thomas' eyes are always closed. :)

And, this goofy guy is who I got to have coffee with this morning after dropping them off at school... well, I didn't have coffee, but you get the point. :)

Back to my part-time job search... have a good day. :)
L

cardboard Christians

2008-08-07T07:38:00.000-07:00

I found this on a blog of a friend... please watch it... it is long, but so powerful. We are all so unworthy of God's love, but He gives it freely to us anyway. ALL of us-- no distinction. What an amazing God we have that He loves us as sinners and beggars-- me included. Thank God for His grace!

for the first time in a long time

2008-08-05T08:09:00.000-07:00

I have six job applications out all at once... and not just those really, but I am using this time "off" to work on my photography, too... and then there is one other possibility, but it is not on the "horizon" just yet exactly. It would be kind-of exciting I guess if I didn't need money, LOL. But, even with that thought, I know God has a plan. My part is not to worry. My part is to look for the open door. Thus, the six applications. :)

Meanwhile, I'm cleaning house (and I mean CLEANING house-- it's a huge mess right now, but it's because we are purging-- it will be great when it is done), getting the kis ready for school (one orientation yesterday and another tomorrow), looking for open doors, working on photography stuff (at last) and continuing to read, read, read.

As an aside... I don't know if you're out there, but I'm wondering how my anonymous poster is doing... if you're out there, please let me know. :)

Blessings,
L

grace in the unknown

2008-08-01T06:47:00.000-07:00

I have never been a fan of the "unknown". Actually, I have always hated it-- wait, I shouldn't say hated... loathed, despised, maybe those are actually more accurate. I think we all, as humans, feel somewhat that way, at least from time to time. I don't think I am entirely alone in that. I am such a type-A, control freak by nature that I take that loathing to a new level though. I mean, when I feel like I don't know what is going to happen, I cannot stand it, I mean, I literally cannot stand it... I feel like I have to do *something*-- anything, just because I cannot stand to stand and wait for something to happen-- bad or good, so I usually take it into my hands and do something. For the first time, I see how wrong that is.

My nature also makes me a Martha-- I am sure I have said that here before. In the Bible, Martha was the one running around trying to "fix things", while her sister, Mary, was simply sitting at Jesus' feet, listening. It's easy for me to see how chaotic Martha seems, but it is often difficult for me to see it in myself when I am in the middle of it. Even though I know I tend to be a "Martha", I can't see it in myself while it's happening-- it's usually way after the fact, when I am completely exhausted from trying to do the impossible. But, see, to me, in the moment, it's not impossible, I am just not "good enough" to be able to do it. In my head, it seems like everyone around me is able to do it, and since I can't, there is something "wrong" with me. Perfectionist, admitted.

So, this summer, I have been reading-- no strike that-- devouring books. One after the other. It has seemed to me to be a gift from God-- the ability to suddenly read without falling asleep... and to find in the pages the things He has wanted me to see for what must have been eons now. I've read some fiction, just for fun-- which is soooooooo not like me-- and then I have read lots of books on health, too-- just trying to get my brain around the thyroid and fibromyalgia, to understand it (that kind of reading is much more in tune with my normal self-- reading for understanding). The third kind of book I have been reading is Christian inspirational. Now, before I get to the point of this post (that grace in the unknown thing up there in the title), I want to say that I have found God in all three kinds of books I have read this summer. I have found myself and "people" like me in the fiction books-- moms who are trying to make decisions, moms who want to be good moms, moms who want to be lots of things and because of that fact struggle, moms who end up seeing that their families are by far the most important. In the fun medical books (tongue in cheek), I have found answers. Answers, that for a long time have eluded me. Answers that I have needed. So in these two types of books, I have found health... some emotional, some physical... but it is the third kind of book that has connected these other two for me, and it is the third kind that God has gotten hold of me, and made me realize that there is actually grace in not knowing.

I know I have already mentioned one of the books I have read this summer, but for the sake of keeping it all together I want to list them... all together. :) Before I do that, I want to say that I absolutely, 100%, truly and honestly believe that every book I read this summer was because God had things for me to see in them. Not just these books I am about to list, but in all of them... even the fiction with some questionable language and storylines. Everything, and I mean everything I read had a purpose for me-- whether it was to reveal some hidden thought in me, or to make me laugh at myself, or to realize what can happen when we get too far from God, everything I read, I felt led to-- a couple of them even straight to the shelf where I found them in the library. A couple of them, I wondered about even as I checked them out, but see, even in this unknown, God had grace for me, because He knew there were things He could teach me through me reading them.

So, back to my list then... these are just the three "Christian inspiration" books I read-- I don't want to list the others-- not because I don't want you to know what I read, but because if you try this for yourself, I know there are books that God wants you to read and "choose" for yourself.

So, the list...

1. Choosing to Cheat by Andy Stanley. (This is the one I already posted about.) This is actually the book that led me, step by step, ever so slowly to my decision to quit my job-- and even to the decision to try and work part-time. This is the book that God used to tell me to stop trying to succeed for myself-- to stop making excuses about why I am usually very unavailable to my children and my husband. Now, keep in mind that this book is for workaholics-- this is not a "mom" or "dad" book exactly. This is a book that says if you let things get in the way, and if you let things get out of hand, and you work, work, work, work, work, before you know it, everything that really matters at the end of your life will be gone before you get there. The people who have wanted and needed you to be around, while all the time you have been unavailable to them (for whatever reason) may just decide that they have been fine without you being there and can handle it just fine without you there. The other option is that making your family feel like they are not as important as something else can actually lead to crisis... a crisis which will then force us to make the right priorities in our lives. The trick to that is to make the priorities before the crisis happens, instead of in the middle of it because we are forced to. Through this book, I saw myself as someone who has the need to seem successful to others-- and to complicate matters in my case, this is not something that happens easily. Because I am a "Martha" (and everything needs to be "just perfect") and because I have brain fog and fatigue (due to my health), it takes me even longer to "seem successful" than the average person. AND, because of ALL that, I was "cheating" my family of me. Another book I read (about Fibromyalgia) revealed to me that I do something called "Super-Normalizing", meaning that the more that I feel like I can't do some normal task, the harder I try to do it and more, just to prove that I can. So, you add all that together and you have a person who cheats at home to work more just to prove how "great" I am, and thus the lousier wife and mom I become at home. This is not at all to say that there are not moms and dads out there who can make it work, but according to this book, for it to work according to God's plan, you have to cheat your time and efforts somewhere and it needs to be at work. Now, in my line of work as a Christian teacher, that also does not seem fair to the children who end up in my classroom. For me, it looked like a no-win situation until, through MUCH prayer, I finally LISTENED to what God was telling me... to win doesn't HAVE to mean you have or do it all. Sometimes, it means you have to walk away from one thing so that you can make just the one most important thing be the most important thing... and that, for me, involved a huge step of faith... quiting my job. I won't give the whole book away, but Daniel was mentioned, and his steps of faith (check out the book of Daniel)... I just saw what it was that God wants from me through his stories and this book.

Moving along with my version of Reading Rainbow...

2. flashBANG: How I got Over Myself by Mark Steele. This book was hard for me to get into at first-- it is written in a very different style than most of us are used to-- it's sort of a stream of consciousness, conversation with self and God, memory flashback kind of style (got that? lol). But let me just say, this is one of the most powerful books I have ever read. The author is a comic (not to be confused with a comedian-- ha), and he is also a missionary, a dad, a business owner, lots of other things. Through his own story and all the messes that God has brought him through (FOR God's own glory), well, it is just an authentic, transparent story of how God wants to use us WHILE He teaches us and molds us into the people He wants us to be. He uses our weaknesses to makes us stronger-- but only through His own strength. "When we are weak, He is strong". This book had me rolling in stitches one minute and weeping in amazement the next. It has inspired me to want to get over myself, my hurts, my expectations, my disappointments, my attempts, to get TO the person God wants me to be. When we are empty of ourselves, God creates an explosion that leaves a real mark wherever we go and on whomever we touch... WOW, I want to be that for God. So, my prayer now is not, "What should I do now, God?", but "Who do you want me to be around while I do it?".

Number 3... now, I am just beginning this one... I have heard of it in lots of places and knew Andrew had it here already somewhere, but I couldn't find it. He sat down at the bookshelf a few nights ago, and pulled it out. This is one highly recommended by people like Michael W. Smith, Max Lucado, and Rich Mullins not only wrote a testimony in the beginning, but also named his band members the "Ragamuffin Band" after the book itself before he died several years ago. I have a feeling that this book, along with the others will change my life.

3. The Ragamuffin Gospel by Brennan Manning. As I said, I'm not too far in this book yet, but this sort-of "full-circle" epiphany hit me during my reading this morning and just made me stop. In moments like this, I just almost HAVE to pause in my reading, just to marinate in what God just said to me, so that I don't lose it's meaning-- to allow it to seep in, to become a permanent part of me. This morning, it was God's grace that saturated me. There's no other way to get the point across than to quote the book word for word, so bear with me... part of this quote is actually another quote by another author that the author of this book quotes. (Clear as mud?)

"The difference between faith as 'belief in something that may or may not exist' and faith as 'trusting in God' is enormous. The first is a matter of the head, the second a matter of the heart. The first can leave us unchanged, the second intrinsically brings change.

Such is the faith described by Paul Tillich in his famous work The Shaking of the Foundations: 'Grace strikes us when we are in great pain and restlessness. It strikes us when we walk through the dark valley of a meaningless and empty life.... It strikes us when, year after year, the longed-for perfection does not appear, when the old compulsions reign within us as they have for decades, when despair destroys all joy and courage. Sometimes at that moment a wave of light breaks into our darkness, and it is as though a voice were saying: "You are accepted, accepted by that which is greater than you, and the name of which you do not know. Do not ask for the name now; perhaps you will find it later. Do not try to do anything now; perhaps later you will do much. Do not seek for anything, do not perform anything, do not intend anything. Simply accept the fact that you are accepted." If that happens to us, we experience grace.'"

If you have made it this far, maybe you needed to read all these things, too. :) Thanks for sticking with me and hearing me out-- I needed to "say" all this to somebody. I am in the midst of God's grace. That is where I am. That is all I need to know.

today

2008-07-31T06:43:00.000-07:00

is the first day with Andrew working from home. We set up his office last night-- I would post pictures, but he hasn't showered and he's working, LOL. And, in my opinion, it's not *totally* done yet-- still some rubbish to clean out, but his desks are set up and his almost 700 CD's are on the shelf...

I am going to pick up my paperwork for subbing for the local school system today. I have already been OK'ed at my recent school and our church's preschool / kindergarten. I just can't help but think that there is a reason some other thing hasn't come through yet... and I am really looking forward to taking the kids to school on the first day! We are still waiting for the teacher letters and the notification about open enrollment to come. I called the school last Friday-- think I will give them another call in a minute.

So, that's today. Trying to take it one day at a time, which is hard for me, but God has really been working on this with me. I just finished an incredible book I will have to post about next time.

Until then,
L

Six on 7.24.08

2008-07-29T11:08:00.000-07:00

This was our annual "first thing in the morning" birthday picture.

I finally got the pictures off the camera from Tyler's birthday. We had a bug party-- we were actually going to have a "bug man" come, but it didn't work out, so we did it ourselves...

We had a bug hunt (plastic bugs-- everyone got a plastic bug box with net and tweezers)...

We wrapped each other up like butterflies in cocoons...

We had cake-- okay, cupcakes-- and they were homemade, Pokemon cupcakes, not quite fitting of the bug theme, but that was what he wanted. :)

And, he gots lots of super cool presents-- those were all "action shots" and pretty blurry, LOL.

So, my baby is six and going to kindergarten in something like 10 days... and this is him, bugs and Pokemon. :) We love him.

L

purging (and ranting) edited version

2008-07-29T08:46:00.001-07:00

**Note: this has been edited for the sake of self-control**

And now, I am going to release all bitterness and move on. God is in control; no one but God, and I am removing the yuck in me through this purge post to allow Him to steer me.

Carry on...
L

changes are happening around here

2008-07-26T15:47:00.000-07:00

Yes, I changed my blog template again. I like the brown, but not sure if I like the 2 columns as opposed to the three I had before. I might look around a little bit more. It's kind-of a pain in the butt to keep changing all the sidebar stuff every time though, so I'll have to think on it.

My blog template is not, by far, the biggest change happening around here right now though. It has indeed been a pivotal week... Andrew will begin working from home (for now) sometime next week on this new venture he has been working on. When it is officially unveiled, I will feel more at liberty to discuss it, but for now, that is all I shall say. It is hard for both of us to believe that it seems to be working out, but that is God for you. Please keep praying though as this is all still in the beginning phases and we need God's hand guiding every step.

Secondly, and this may be somewhat shocking, don't know, but I decided not to go back to teaching full-time this school year. I have been back and forth-- praying, reading, listening... and for a long time, I think God has been trying to get me to take a step of faith. And, so, I did. I made phone calls and put it in writing on Friday. My plan for now is to substitute teach until I find something part-time with hours that will be the best for the kids. I have so little energy to start with (because of FMS and thyroid) and I just could not imagine trying to work all day, bring home work with me and still have energy for my own kids. As I mentioned the other day, the book I have been reading by Andy Stanley has really made it clear to me how important my family is to me and trying to work so much leaves none of me left for them. At the end of a day that long, I just collapse. So, I listened to God and took the step of faith that He has been leading me to take. And, I KNOW beyond a shadow of a doubt, that God will honor and bless that.

One thing that makes me feel bad though is that the other kindergarten teacher decided the same thing apparently... the day before me... and I had no idea! While I feel badly about the fact that they will have to start all over with kindergarten, I know that I made the right decision, and I know that God has a plan for me that won't steer me away from my kids. I am so looking forward to volunteering at school, going on field trips and being in touch with what is going on in Thomas and Tyler's school lives. I have felt so detached from Thomas' school for so long, and I really feel like he has suffered because of it-- overlooked permission slips, lost yearbook forms, getting behind on learning his times-tables, missed extra-curricular stuff, etc. And with Tyler going off to "big school" with him this year, it would just be awful. This is truly a much healthier situation for all of us.

So, I'm looking for a part-time job. If you know of anything let me know. :) So far, I've got some things out for library jobs and a part-time state job... but I would love a chance to write again... and I'm hoping to hone my photography skills, too. :)

So, that's what's going on here... it feels good to say it out loud finally. Please keep us in your prayers through these changes, though. It is exciting and yet scary... but I know God has something great in store.

Blessings,
Lynn

the day after today (7/23/08)

2008-07-23T19:58:00.000-07:00

is Tyler's 6th Birthday-- unreal! He is so excited and informed me tonight that he is no longer silly, as he is turning 6 tomorrow. I love the big ball of dirt so much-- he is sooooo all boy-- and that just makes him the perfect fit; you know?

Also, tomorrow is the big day of hopefully getting to some answers on the "what are we doing?" end of our lives. BIG prayers are needed-- for answers, for direction, for Andrew, for God's blessing, for us just to know *what* we need to do. If you think about it at around 11am EST, a little prayer for Andrew would be MUCH appreciated-- okay, a big prayer. I think I am under-selling the need just a bit, but please just know we need your prayers tomorrow if you read this.

Good night, God bless you.

L

watching, waiting, praying (7/22/08)

2008-07-22T11:22:00.000-07:00

This *feels* like a pivotal week. A lot of decisions will be made this week, and I am trying to stay centered on who is in control. I am reading a book by Andy Stanley, Choosing to Cheat: Who Wins when Family and Work Collide. It is not what it sounds like-- it is about making choices that don't cheat your family. It's really speaking to me and I felt like it was something God led me to read-- straight to where it sat on the shelf at the library. I'll post more about it when I am finished reading it, but if you want to check it out, follow that link up there on the book title.

Thursday is Tyler's birthday, and tomorrow is my nephew's, so we have spent the first part of the day today picking up things for the party, and a gift for my nephew-- and now, I need to go clean up the kitchen-- ugh... I am sure I will have pics to post later this week. I need to get back to my camera somehow... somehow.... I need to get back to a lot of things.

Anyway, continued prayers especially for Andrew on Thursday (the day of his meeting)...

Peace and simplicity to everyone reading,
L

a devtional from a church nearby

2008-07-21T06:16:00.000-07:00

Someone sent this to me, and I thought it was a great thing for me to read and to share.

This is a devotional from Southland Christian Church, a church (somewhat) nearby that we have visited and used to watch on TV on Sundays, when we went to church on Saturday night. I know this will speak to others as it has to me this morning.

James 1:5–6

I have a really good friend who is a new Christ-follower. It's so amazing to watch her grow, learn and discover her faith. When she first gave her life to Jesus she was in awe; everything was new. One afternoon we were talking about some of her not-so-great choices before surrendering to Jesus. She made a statement that had a profound impact on my walk with the Lord. She said, "When you know Jesus, there are no other options."

Since that day, when faced with a decision, I am reminded of her words. Jesus is my only option. He will give me everything I need. It takes the guesswork out of all the choices, decisions, and situations I face in my life. I am no longer in the sea of doubt—being tossed about between what if and if only.

Think about how much peace we have if we make Jesus our only option. The Holy Spirit will guide us and we won't have to maneuver through all the worldly options we hide in our hearts. My heart overflows at the thought.

There are still days when worldly options get in the way of my Jesus option. Sometimes Jesus doesn't work as fast as I would like and sometimes His option isn't necessarily what I would like. But I have learned He is always looking out for me and His way is always best—I have no doubt. Believing this truth, I have less confusion and more faith and trust in Him. Will you make Jesus your only option?

· Why do you hang on to some of the options of this world?

· Do you believe that, if you ask, God will give you what you need?

Written by Amy Leffler

at last (7/17/08)

2008-07-17T07:43:00.001-07:00

Thomas went to "piano camp" for 3 days this week (at the house of my band teacher from middle school-- I have known this woman since I was 11 years old! That was cool enough in itself!) He almost made it through a whole book-- so proud of him-- this was his first experience with piano lessons, and he did so well! He practiced every day on his own, without me telling him to-- he WANTED to.

This one i call, "Crazy person playing the keyboard"... it was his little impression all week long as he practiced at home on this little keyboard we have).

He also had a serious side while practicing...

We have wanted to get him a piano for YEARS... and every time we hear there is someone who wants to give one a way, we somehow just miss it... we try to get there, only it's always just a few minutes behind someone else who ends up getting it. We checked into a piano a few weeks ago, but it was $300 and with me not working in the summer and Andrew's current situation, we just couldn't do it.

So, yesterday, when I picked Thomas up from his last day at camp, Mrs. Ashcraft, the teacher, mentioned to another lady who had her grand-daughters at the camp (they are visiting from another state), that there was a piano at the Habitat Re-Store... apparently Mrs. Ashcraft had volunteered there that morning and saw it. She said it was "playable" and that it had been there a long time and they only wanted $50 for it, but she thought they would take less. My mouth flew open-- I guess she forgot that I had told her that we had been looking for a piano and kept just missing out. I think it hit her when I gasped, and the other lady then asked where the store was, but then also said that she'd have to ship it to North Carolina with the girls (kind-of tongue-in-cheek, so I wasn't sure if she was considering looking at it or not). The lady then didn't seem to be overly interested and we all left. I decided to go look at it (secretly, really feeling like this must be our piano), and I figured if the lady showed up at the store, it might just not be for us. She never showed up, I talked the guy into taking $40. There are two keys in the highest register that stick (we can get them fixed sometime), but the piano is not terribly out of tune and it is really pretty-- a little spinet Wurlitzer. There was a ton of music in the bench, so we also got a bunch of music, and apparently, this was a church piano because there are a bunch of church bulletins with notes-- that made it super cool to us! There are even a few music theory teaching things-- some flashcards for practicing what key something is in-- stuff like that. This TOTALLY all made it feel like this piano was meant for us. And, it was.

Thanks to my dad and his truck, we got it here safely (the guy told me to get that price, I needed to take it THAT day-- this was at 4 and they closed at 5-- Andrew was too far away at work to make it in time)... so... it wasn't easy-- very heavy and on a hot day on top of all of it, but after all that, YAY... this little baby is now ours... at last...

Lynn

looking for open doors

2008-07-16T07:17:00.000-07:00

I am just really trying to watch for God's lead in my life and so by doing that, I am trying to keep my eyes open for open doors, closed doors, etc. I have taken this time during summer to search myself, to pray, to look, to listen. The combination of the summer break, the boys both being in the same school (not mine) this coming school year, my health "revelations" and various other things, has me pondering about whether I am capable of "doing it all" this coming school year... and if I am actually called to that. Physically, spiritually and emotionally, I don't know if I can-- I don't know if I should. So, in that spirit, I have just been trying to keep my eyes open for possibilities... ways that I might simplify-- ways that I can be healthier than I have been-- and still with the knowledge that we have to have money to buy food, pay bills, etc. Working 14+ hours a day, and then in turn, not being able to keep up with my own children, and always collapsing at the end of every day is definitely not the picture of a healthy mom. Not to mention being a wife, trying to be a friend to others, keeping the bills paid and the house clean, food on the table, etc., etc.

Being here this summer has really just made me ponder what I am really capable of, and what sacrifices I make-- and of those, how many of those are actually sacrifices that God calls me to make. Being a mom is hard-- doing the right things for my kids is hard, but I know God calls me to be a mom, and I love being a mom. With my decreased energy and stamina (for lack of a better word), how can I be the best mom I can when I am at constant battle with the other person I have to be when I am working 14 hour days? I'm not at all trying to control this situation-- I really have changed so much in that area-- just trying to seek what God wants me to do.

I guess this post is mostly just a "thinking out loud" post, as I am seeking to make changes, but it's also a "me getting honest" post... I need to openly do that from time to time. :) With the thyroid stuff and the fibromyalgia, I now can see *why* I have been so spent. I used to tell Andrew before (before the FMS diagnosis, and all the ways that God has worked on me through this) that I felt like a loser-- that I couldn't seem to "do, do, do" all the things that other moms / women "do, do, do"... and now that I understand WHY I can't, I guess I am trying to "embrace" it and make changes-- to have more energy for the things that really are the most important in this life that God has given us.

SO... all that to say that I am looking to simplify; to make changes where I can, and if anyone has any suggestions or can point me in the direction of working, but still being the mom I should be, I am wide open. And, if you are willing to share, please do-- and if you are willing to pray for me-- that I can clearly see what God wants me to do to make the best decisions for my family and for my health, I would so very much appreciate it. And know that I will pray for you, too.

Lynn

ETA: Major prayer request for Andrew and his job, too.... they are waiting on hearing about a grant that they REALLY need to get for Andrew to continue his work... I won't go into the specifics, but this is something that is VERY important. They have a meeting coming up next week... this is also something that will determine what choices we have as a family. I know that it is in God's hands, and this will likely reveal our next steps, so in reality *this* is what I most need prayer for. :)

OK, pictures at last (7/14/08)

2008-07-14T17:33:00.000-07:00

So this is a re-cap of some of our summer thus far (not all, just some)...

Tyler seeing his very FIRST giraffe in person at the Louisville Zoo.

Petting the goat...

Acting like the goat...

The REAL deal...

NOT the REAL deal, but a cute photo...

This gorilla (can you even see him?) was SCARY.... The monkeys across from him were apparently tormenting him since he was totally alone in his area. He was creepy, sitting there, looking out of the corner of his eyes, and then all of a sudden he would take off running and run right into the glass where we were standing, with his mouth open, teeth flaring. I thought it was me or maybe the boys beating their chests at him, until I realized that he was just trying to get to the monkeys across the way behind us. Still, he was scary!

Thomas & Tyler in a fake "FedEX crate" at the small gorilla cage.

How Thomas stacks up to the gorilla...

And, Tyler...

They DON'T like to move it, move it... Lazy lemurs!

Iron Man at the zoo... cool. Not sure what the "5" thing is?? A wave? I don't know, but he did it every time.

Just one of Thomas hanging out. My boy is growing up too fast. He probably won't pose for too many more like this for me.

OK, this is funny NOW, not so much THEN. Tyler was determined he was going to ride this inflatable water slide-- a couple of stories high... because, of course, Thomas did it. Thomas gets up there and slides right down, leaving Tyler sitting there looking down the slide. Of course, he doesn't go. We spend the next 20 minutes or so trying to coax him down; he won't come. We convince the high school girls who were working there to let Thomas go down again (without paying) to get Tyler to come down. Finally, he does and of course says he wants to go again. Um, no... not until you're 30 and I don't have to try and get you down from someplace I knew you wouldn't come down from... oiy!

Moving on...

King's Island...

Their expressions as we approach the gate. Poor babies have never been anywhere so exciting; can you tell? These are REAL expressions... they were beside themselves!

Who lives in a pineapple at King's Island?

Tyler with Patrick...

This was the coolest ride... we all rode it actually. It was sooooo relaxing after all the walking. It was the Danny Phantom ride-- it made you feel like you were flying. This time, I thought Tyler was going to take a nap, LOL.

Just to give you an idea of the "flight". I was so surprised with Tyler that he rode this, but not as surprised at this as I was when he rode the Stunt Coaster! Sorry, no pictures of that-- my eyes were closed the whole time... OH MY... and that wasn't even the most of it. Thomas rode a bunch of coasters-- including the Crypt, which hung him suspended upside-down-- Andrew rode that one with him needless to say.

My cutie, Ty on the mini-bumper cars before we realized he was tall enough for the real thing. The first time on these, it took him forever to figure out how to GO, LOL.

Tyler, smiling at his opponent... he doesn't quite get that you are not supposed to be so nice to your fellow drivers in the bumper cars. :)

We always end any event on the carousel (when there is one)... this is a blurred pic on purpose... if you look in one of the mirrors, you can see Thomas.

Waiting for the fireworks with Mom... it's nice to have a picture of me with the boys... even if I look like I am about to die (I was... whew!)

La Tour Eiffel... well, kind-of...

Moving along... a fishing trip...

Andrew TRYING to teach Tyler to use his grandfather's old bamboo pole.

Thomas takes his fishing pretty seriously. He didn't catch anything on this trip, but he did during another trip to the river with my parents. I'll add his "fish tale" picture later... I still have to save it and re-size it (Mom, did you get that picture from Andrew?)

Daddy and cheesy-smile boy...

I took this one during the fishing trip... is it the sky or the reflection on the water? Hmmm... can you tell?

If you've made it this far, wow! That is only a portion of the pics-- I take too many, LOL... but now, I finally feel caught up with my picture posting here. :)

Tomorrow,
Lynn

ETA: What's up with the spacing on this thing anyway?

Ophthalmic (Eye) Migraines (7/14/08)

2008-07-14T06:09:00.000-07:00

I am seriously going to get those pictures up, really, I am, lol, but we have just had a busy week with Andrew home on vacation and I have gotten seriously sidetracked by a few things already this morning.

I feel like I am having a series of "aha" moments... it is such a strange, strange feeling. I feel like I have spent the last three years (plus) looking for a multitude of answers, and they are one by one being revealed. I don't know what to do with that exactly, and admittedly, I still have some really big "?" hanging over my future-- our future... but it is just a strange, strange thing when you finally see something for the first time.

This is one of those things...

This is EXACTLY what I see when I have one of these little vision "episodes"... the first one was almost three years ago now. I have searched and searched on what this could have been all this time, and have always mentioned it to every doctor I have ever been to... no one EVER even MENTIONED this as a possibility. It is apparently called a Ophthalmic, or Eye, Migraine. Apparently, you can have them without headaches and it is caused by a a temporary spasm in the blood vessels behind your eye (this is apparently also called "vasospasm", which is like the spasms or cramps that you have in your leg muscles, etc.).

Those pictures up there are from this site (click). You can also read more here.

Now, how does this couple with my other "complications"? I don't know. But, at least I know *what* it is now. Why are doctor's paid so much, again? I'm sorry for the snarky comment, but hello? Shouldn't someone have known what this was somewhere along the way? If not all the physicians I have seen in the last 3 years, then why not the eye doctor I went to at the very beginning of these? Anyway, all of this to say, educate yourself on your own health-- be in charge of your own medical care, and don't just take for granted that there is no answer. There is.

OK-- I'll work on those pictures now. :)

Lynn

I just realized (7/11/08)

2008-07-11T13:48:00.000-07:00

that I have a lot of pictures-- I mean a lot-- that I haven't posted... I was looking at pictures of King's Island and realized that I still have the Zoo and then a couple of our fishing trips and some from last night. Andrew took pictures of our trip to the county fair, too-- so I have sort-of a summer re-cap to do. I went ahead and started editing some, but didn't get finished, and I think we are taking the kids to the indoor pool in a few, so I will get them all up at once later or tomorrow.

I have some thoughts and observations swirling around in my head, too I would like to get out in words, so I will plan on a long post or two coming soon. Gotta go finish the last day of staycation first. :)

Lynn

ugh

2008-07-08T13:58:00.000-07:00

Stomach virus-- food poisoning or something, not sure, but I thought I was going to die last night. I was literally up all night long. It has taken me until almost 5pm now after sleeping most of the day away to sit up and use the computer. I'm using Andrew's-- he took the boys fishing and hiking, not sure when they will be back. I am thinking maybe it's not a good idea to eat at an amusement park, and then I honestly thought maybe it was even the iodine test I had yesterday, but I called the dr. and the guy on call said he didn't think that would cause it. Anyway-- really hoping it won't hit anyone else in the house-- especially while Andrew is home on vacation.

Hopefully, they will be home in a bit and "tomorrow is another day- fiddle-dee-dee"... so maybe we can get back on track. I feel like when I am off track, the whole house is off track. Hopefully I get some pics up tomorrow. :)

Lynn

random (7/7/08)

2008-07-07T16:15:00.000-07:00

It's been a few days and my world has changed, well, my world is "in flux", shall we say. I'm waiting on dinner to beep at me, so I thought I would just post some random things while I wait.

1. We took the kids to King's Island yesterday-- they had a BLAST-- me-- I am super tired today, but so, so, so enjoyed my family yesterday. We never "get away" and just do something for the sake of doing it-- that was how it felt yesterday-- kind-of a "free" feeling. The food, etc.-- definitely NOT "free", but we conserved. Can you believe a bottle of water (or coke or anything liquid) was $3.50?!?! I have tons of pictures to post-- will do that tomorrow. Thomas rode some big roller coasters, and Tyler actually got on some, too. Fun, fun day-- my favorite in a long, long time. Today, we crashed.

2. After the late night back from King's Island, I had an appointment with the integrative doctor to follow up since the Fibromyalgia diagnosis from the rheumatologist. I have been concerned about the low thyroid... tomorrow, I start Armour Thyroid. She wants me to have my hormone levels checked in late August, and to have an ultrasound of my thyroid (to look for nodules), if I don't see any improvements from taking the Thyroid. I'm a little nervous about that and am both nervous and anxious to see if the Armour Thyroid will make any difference.

3. Andrew is home for vacation all week this week. He got some "unsettling" news last week before the holiday, and we are in deep prayer about it. I don't really want to go into the specifics too much here, but we are in prayer and if you stumble on this post, I would truly appreciate some prayer warriors for Andrew and his work.

4. I am in the thinking and searching-- and waiting process on the direction of my life and what is the best thing for my family. I have a sense of "not knowing" that I have never had before-- I sort of feel like God has me "out of the loop" for a reason and that all will be revealed in His time. I know people say that all the time, but this is the first time I have truly had that sense. It's comforting, which is a strange thing for a type-A to say, I know... I think God is changing me. Maybe I am becoming an A-minus. :)

Okay, beeper in 2 minutes. I might change my little template here again later, I don't know... still pondering...

Until later,
Lynn

if you haven't seen this... (7/3/08)

2008-07-03T13:58:00.000-07:00

you need to. Arnel Pineda is the new lead singer of Journey... anyone who lived through the 80's knows who Journey is. This guy is amazing! We bought Andrew the new CD with the new lead man (for Father's Day) after we saw this story on the news. He is truly, truly amazing... Equal to this guy's amazing voice is his amazing story. If you want to be inspired, watch this... seriously. The whole thing-- to the end. I know it's long, but you won't be sorry.

Lynn

so... what do ya think? (7/3/08)

2008-07-03T09:42:00.000-07:00

Way easier to read... still lots of work to do, but this color-scheme is fitting my mood. I started working on this yesterday, but wasn't "feeling it" with what I was trying, so I quit for the night.

I woke up this morning feeling like it was time to make some changes-- not referring here to the blog, but to life. I've actually just finished reading a book (a fiction book-- gasp!)-- for enjoyment (double gasp!)... and, I am now reading a book about reconfiguring things *around* having Fibromyalgia. I've been trying to do some things for the sake of relaxation, and it's really been making me reflect on what my energy is worth... I have even started yoga (triple gasp!). I've been looking at all the things I have been doing, and asking myself what is *worth* my energy. It's sort of like shopping and trying to get the best deal... All I know is that to feel my best-- if I am going to BE my best-- then some changes are going to have to come. At this point, right now, today, I know I can't make any final decisions, but, I woke up feeling it today-- like some changes are on their way-- some good ones... so I have hope.

As for this space-- I like these colors swirling on the page. So, there you go... a little change already. ;)

Lynn

forgive my mess

2008-07-02T13:15:00.001-07:00

Just playing with my background colors a bit... the black and white has been getting my eyes... not sure about chocolate? Hm... we'll see.

L

ETA: aw, forget it for now... it is what it is.

Lightbulb!

2008-07-01T08:52:00.000-07:00

I have been reading and reading and reading, and digging and digging and digging for a week since my FMS diagnosis. First off, that is just how I handle stuff- I want to understand things... but, also, I just have not been able to "settle" into this diagnosis. Mostly, I think because I am still having this crazy twitching and I do not like taking the neurontin-- it just seems to be masking things under this stooper it puts me in. Then, I have been pondering the low thyroid thing and posted on a FMS board about all of my symptoms-- someone posted that I should really look into the thyroid connection, and since I had already been thinking about that, it just spurred me on more...

Then, I found this...

Lightbulb!!! What if my FMS and twitches and everything is from my low thyroid level? I am taking a natural thyroid "booster" right now, but it's not an actual thyroid "supplement" and it doesn't seem to be helping... SO, I jumped on the phone and called my integrative dr. that put me on the booster (and found the low T3 count) and I have an appointment at 9 on Monday! WOW-- if this turns out to be what's been going on... this might be the answer to everything.

L

waiting

2008-06-30T08:42:00.001-07:00

feeling confused

2008-06-29T13:29:00.000-07:00

Have you seen those commercials-- I think it is actually for car insurance quotes-- where the people are in a big red dot on the floor-- they describe some what-seems-to-be-hopeless situation and say "I am so there"? Let me check real quick and see if I can find one...

Ah, yes... here we go... this one is perfect.

So, this is where I am with, it seems, everything right now. Right on the red dot. I don't know if I am exactly fighting this fibro diagnosis, or just questioning it or what, but all I know is that this medication I am taking me is knocking me out, messing with my memory, making me dizzy (in the strongest sense of the word), and still doesn't seem to be working... so, I am doubting it and even the diagnosis. I went online and asked advice and opinions-- and everyone seems to be screaming, "YES! You have FMS!", but all I know is that I want to stop twitching-- I have to stop twitching, and this stuff so far ain't doing it... and I'm still tired (even MORE so), muscles are tired and hurting, the whole thing... I am trying to hold out-- to give it time, but the side effects don't seem to be getting any better yet. And, then I find myself wondering, can I function this way when schools goes back?? Esepcially if I end up with a whole lot more kids in my class, a longer day, Tyler in school (with possible homework added to Thomas') and Andrew's job changing?? Everything I read about fibro. says you need to simplify your life and adjust your life TO finbromyalgia... exactly how am I supposed to do that?

I have been looking for a yoga class-- can't find one that I can make it to, so we visited the local county fitness center yesterday. They have an awesome indoor pool, a walking track, weight and fitness rooms and offer classes-- no beginner yoga right now though as I can find. I'm not paid again until the end of August, so joining as a family is out for now, but I'm thinking about taking the kids once a week for summer as a "drop in"-- or maybe going as a family on the weekends. But I can't do even the cycle or walking track if the kids are with me, so that leaves the pool... is that enough? (I can't swim, so it would be walking in the pool essentially.)

I'm sorry, I know I said I wanted to get back to posting something other than "health-related" posts, but as you can see, I am totally on this red dot and feel like I can't get my questions answered. (I will try to post some pics from the county fair next time if I can figure out how to get them from Andrew's phone-- we went yesterday-- it was way exhausting, but the kids had so, so much fun). I think I am going to try and make an appointment with my GP as a "follow-up" sort of thing to the rheumatologist appointment and my diagnosis. I have put that off a bit I think mostly because of his previous involvement with the school where I teach and not wanting to give off any preconceived notions at school, but I'm going to just have to bite the bullet and do it. I can't stay on this red dot forever, and I feel like I have been there already for years with NO answers. Now, I have some and I'm just confused by them.

L

a true example of the Father

2008-06-26T07:26:00.000-07:00

and we finally have an answer

2008-06-25T13:21:00.000-07:00

Fibromyalgia.

That does not positively rule out other additional things, BUT it does look like a good possibility at this point that all of my symptoms have been because of the fibromyalgia. To be perfectly honest, there is still a part of me that is scared to believe it because the diagnosis just came so easily at this appointment-- and after waiting YEARS for someone to tell me what is going on, it just seemed so easy for this rheumatologist. But, he was the only one to actually DO the proper examinations... I'm still pretty angry about wasting all this time and money on being passed from dr. to dr.

Anyway... to back up a bit... the neuro. referred me to this rheumatologist-- for a 2nd opinion-- in contrast to the rheumatologist I saw from LAST June. My appt. was Tuesday morning. I honestly had my doubts going in-- I guess because of the experience I had from my last trip to the rheumatologist. The last one was at a very prominent hospital affiliation (not that this one this week was not-- but the first was at the University hospital), and totally should have been the one to help me, but she was the one who passed me off to the immunologist-- who happened to be her husband. What is super ironic in all of that is that the head dr. in that office is one of the leading rheumatologists in fibromyalgia-- and SHE was actually the dr. that I was supposed to see, but not the one they gave me. I know there is a reason in all of that, but standing on the other side of the matter, I am pretty angry about all of that. Anyway... THIS rheumatologist (that I saw Tues. morning), actually listened to everything I have had going on and then did a thorough examination. I didn't know what he was doing at the time, but when he came back to explain (after I changed out of my gown), I understood that he had done the pressure points test. No one has ever done that with me-- it kills me. The last rheumatologist looked at my wrists, ankles and knees; checked my reflexes, did bloodwork and sent me on my way. If you go to that link up there, (pressure points), you will see there are 18-- to be diagnosed with fibromyalgia, you have to have 11 of the 18-- I had all 18.

I also have a low T3 thyroid count; a vitamin D deficiency; neuroma; Raynaud's; an immune deficiency and tarsal tunnel-- along with the twitching, vision issues and nerve pains... and the recurrent yeast infections and bowel issues-- apparently, all of that is caused from having fibromyalgia. Now... what are we doing about it? The medication part, I am not overly thrilled about.

The rheumatologist wants me to stay with the tripled dose of neurontin (which kicks my butt-- makes me feel drunk). He wants me to continue taking it and then if after a while I still don't see a difference (it is making NO difference at this point with my twitches or joint and muscle pain / fatigue), then I can see my GP and he will change me to Lyrica. I really didn't want to stay on the neurontin, but apparently, Lyrica has the same side effects (PLUS weight gain--yikes), so I am going to try. I am also going to take the thyroid boosting stuff that the integrative dr. gave me and then continue on the vitamin D. The dr. also suggested that I start a light exercise program, such as pilates, yoga, cycling, etc. I looked into yoga and can't find anything offered at the time I could make it in my area-- still looking and went to the library last night and picked up some books while the kids were at VBS-- just to give it a try. The dr. also said that the first thing I should do is educate myself on fibromyalgia, but not to read everything I find on the internet-- he said there is a lot of garbage out there. So, I went to the sites he suggested and also checked out some books on fibromyalgia at the library last night.

I don't want to go overboard, or I know I will be flat on my butt, but I also know that I need to get all these things going while it is summer and I have time. I also know that I can't stand this twitching anymore, so I'm giving it all a try-- in moderation. I just don't want to waste anymore time-- it's been years and just having a direction to go to combat this is a HUGE thing for me. I sooooooo want to feel 35!

So-- all this long post to explain all that, and to say that all of us should take charge of our health. Don't give up if you're being passed from dr. to dr. because all they do is try to treat the symptoms rather than the root cause... eventually, there might be someone who is willing to connect the dots and I have hope now that this has happened for me.

And, maybe now, I can post about things non-health related. :)

Lynn

um, OW!

2008-06-19T11:41:00.000-07:00

Yeah, I mean OWWWWWWWWWWW! That was not fun! I had my EMG this morning. I seriously almost passed out. The initial part of the EMG was okay-- the "nerve" part. Basically, they send shock signals through these little tape pads into different parts of your body and your nerves react. It is totally non-invasive-- just stings and makes you jump. The worst part of that was the back of the knees and then my ankle / foot with the neuroma.

The 2nd part of the EMG was one of the most painful things ever-- especially the calf muscle and my back around my spine. OH. MY. GOSH. The neuro jabs you in various places with a needle, which then sends electric impulses into the muscle. Granted, the needle is not quite the size of a shot needle, but it is definitely NOT the size of the pins you see used for acupuncture either. The really awful part is the wiggling of the needle in your muscle when the dr. can't get the reaction he is looking for. I closed my eyes when the dr. told me that all I needed to do for this 2nd part was try to relax-- LOL. As you can imagine, you bleed in all these spots you're being jabbed in, so the dr. hands you a paper towel to take care of that in the midst of jabbing you. Somehow (honestly, I was praying the whole time), I got through the whole thing-- all the way to the end where he was jabbing me in the spine and neck. He then started talking to me about the results and my follow-up next week with the rheumatologist, and I started thinking, "huh, I think I might throw up... nah, it'll pass... um, no... it's not going to". I wasn't quite sure if I was going to throw up or pass out. I think I blurted out something like, "I think I'm going to throw up", which was eerily reminiscent of the afterglow of giving birth to Thomas. The pain in my lower back, coupled with what seemed to be my ovaries was also very familiar. I think the neuro. asked me if I wanted to lie down and I think I must have said yes, because I remember him saying, "Then, do" and I fell back on the table... Andrew was there with me thankfully. I'm not sure how gracefully I did so in my hospital gown-- that thought just occurred to me, LOL. All I know is that I was burning up and wasn't sure I was going to stay conscious for a bit there.

When I finally pulled it together, I wasn't sure if I was supposed to get dressed or what, so we waited a while before we gave up and Andrew asked the nurse in the hallway what we were supposed to do... I was having back spasms and I still feel like I've been beat up-- and it's all still kind of foggy to me, so I'm not sure I understand still. What I think I remember is that my EMG didn't show any abnormalities in nerve / muscle conduction, but because of my continued twitches even though I am on neurontin, I am now going to be on three times the amount. If I understand and remember correctly, the twitches could either be benign fasciculation syndrome, or somehow connected to the low thyroid levels the integrative dr. identified. I think he mentioned something about a possible autoimmune thyroid something. So I am supposed to have this appointment with the rheumatologist on the 24th and then possibly an endocrinologist after that. That just REALLY, REALLY frustrates me because I just want a blasted answer already... and as I said to Andrew earlier (paraphrased), I have to deal with lots of physical imperfections as I am getting older, I don't think I should have to just "live" with never-ending twitching all over my body at the age of 35-- I just shouldn't.

Off for now... my back can't take this chair anymore-- I wanted to write about the poor old man and woman in the waiting room, but that will wait until later. Let me just say, if you have elderly people in your family, please help them when they need you, and say a prayer for them when you can't physically be there to help them. This couple just broke my heart today. I'll be saying a prayer for them.

Lynn

I'm getting 'lectrocuted in the morning...

2008-06-18T17:44:00.000-07:00

bzzz, bzzz the electrodes are going to buzz...

Sorry-- just trying to have a sense of humor with my take on the Getting Married song from My Fair Lady. I have my EMG tomorrow morning at 9. I've been nervous about it all day. Half of me has worried that the twitches will hide at the worse time possible, the other half of me is just worried about it hurting. I have stayed fairly quiet about it on here because I feel like I just drone on and on about it, but I REALLY hope and pray that this gets me SOMEWHERE. I even video-taped my toe twitching in case we need it, LOL... I just want them to identify it and so I need it to be obvious WHILE I am having the EMG. I even worked myself to death on my feet all day just to hopefully provide some extra twitching tomorrow... I know that sounds messed up-- I just need this, I mean NEED this to give some definition to what's been going on with me. So, if you happen to read this, please say a little prayer for me tomorrow at 9 am. I would really appreciate it. :)

Many blessings to you,
Lynn

did I mention...

2008-06-17T06:26:00.001-07:00

that I am going to see the Counting Crows & Maroon 5 on August 30th? I thought not. I am. :) The Counting Crows are kind of the honorary band of our marriage-- every time i hear anything from August and Everything After, it reminds me of our first apartment... there was barely enough room for a couch, LOL. It actually had 2 distinct rooms-- living room / kitchen and bedroom/ bathroom. It was newly built and right off campus, which was good since it was walking distance to our classes and to the restaurant where Andrew worked. Life was so, so, so simple. We were young, we had friends (LOL), we didn't have much money, but it was okay because our apartment with ALL utilities included was only $350 / month (I think that even included Cable-- ha!). In our bedroom closet, we had a hook-up for a washer and dryer. We bought an old used dryer and would go to the laundry mat down the street, wash our clothes, and bring them home to dry them. Those were the days.

We celebrated our 14th anniversary this year-- blows my mind. We are so old, LOL. What stinks is that I FEEL older than I actually AM... hoping to change that... but I digress. Andrew told me yesterday that he told someone else that he is still crazy in love with me. I am so blessed to be with the love of my life. Life is not the same as back then in that little apartment off campus-- the world is not new and shiny; decisions are not easy; things are NOT simple anymore, but oh, how I love him still. In this world where I am not sure of a lot of things, that I am very sure of, and how grateful I am for that fact.

So, in honor of those thoughts and the Counting Crows... which I know I have done before... but hey, it's my blog... I found this of one of my favorite CC songs (not the best video, sorry). And, low and behold, it was from VH1 Storytellers, so it explains why the song was written-- always wondered. Adam Duritz is such a poet with his lyrics... "Every time she sneezes, I believe it's love"... ah, the lyrics.

Oh, and I think there's some Maroon 5 down there in my sidebar, too, in case you're interested. :)

Lynn

two different lives

2008-06-16T11:23:00.000-07:00

Since it's summer, I have been feeling like a different person-- I guess just the liberation of cleaning has me giddy. I've even cooked once or twice. Today has been a little different. While I did balance the check book (and will be getting to bills shortly) and have been working on laundry, I also have had to deal with some work stuff. That other me has been present today-- and not for enjoyable reasons-- so I haven't liked it very much unfortunately. Today has just brought back to me how torn I always feel with the two different people that I have to be... and how unfair it feels to the boys. I hope this summer goes slowly in many ways-- and yet, I also have no pay days until the end of August, so, you know, there I am torn again.

Thursday is the day I go for my EMG-- I am nervous. The more I read about it, the more nervous I get, too... gotta stop reading. Meanwhile, twitching is an understatement... it's in my feet all the way up to my face... my lips today. Not sure being nervous about it is helpful-- how can I win?

Anyway, my house-cleaning self calls. Hopefully, I'll have some pics to share again soon... may camera has been calling to me. :)

L

getting to know you

2008-06-14T07:56:00.000-07:00

Someone sent me this, so thought I'd just respond here-- will send on, too, but if you feel like answering in a comment here, feel free. :) Catch is, you can answer using only one word...

1. Where is your cell phone? pocket
2. Where is your significant other? Ichthus
3. Your hair? messy
4. Your mother? love
5. Your father? tireless
6. Your favorite thing? simplicity
7. Your dream last night? forgot
8. Your dream/goal? freedom
9. The room you're in? front
10. Your hobby? photography
11. Your fear? several
12. Where do you want to be in 6 years? healthy
13. Where were you last night? pizza
14. What you're not? type-b
15. One of your wish list items? car
16. Where you grew up? KY
17. The last thing you did? ate
18. What are you wearing? PJs
19. Your TV? on
20. Your pet? four
21. Your computer? laptop
22. Your mood? wondering
23. Missing someone? Andrew
24. Your car? minivan
25. Something you're not wearing? watch
26. Favorite store? craft
27. Your summer? clean
28. Love someone? LOTS
29. Your favorite color? red
30. When is the last time you laughed? yesterday
31. Last time you cried? today
32. Who will resend this? ?
33. How many sisters? 0
34. How many brothers? 1
35. How many children? 2

just sitting here...

2008-06-13T20:16:00.000-07:00

reading about Tim Russert-- what a sad day... he was such a good man. Forget about his TV personality. He was a good man. A good son. A good dad. Just so very sad for his family. Just sad.

It's been raining / storming since this afternoon, which has messed up Ichthus this year. They ended up canceling the evening's concerts. I know Andrew is bummed. Thomas and I are supposed to go tomorrow-- if it's not too much of a mud-pit and/or too wet.

I have gotten a lot done these past two days-- pantry totally cleaned-- kitchen totally cleaned-- stuff pulled off counter tops even. I re-discovered that I have an island in my kitchen, LOL. Started Thomas' room, but then left to find some organizational things, got side-tracked by supper and didn't get finished. Living room is a mess still and I can hopefully get that done tomorrow morning. I'd like to get it cleaned up before Father's Day-- not much time with the trip to the festival though. Still gotta pick up Father's Day gifts tomorrow, too.

Found something cool... I know I haven't posted many "visuals" here in a while, so thought I'd share this cool little tool...

Places I've been (not including ones I have flown over, LOL)

Make yours @ BigHugeLabs.com

Looks like I need to travel west young man, huh?

Well, I'm going to take my twitchy self to bed. It's been a little better this week, but seems to be back today-- since I've been busiest today I guess. EMG is now 6 days away... a little nervous about it... scared that it will show something, but also scared it won't... I need to figure out what prompts it before I go and do it. If you're a mom, you know what it's like to take your sick child to the dr. and they are suddenly just fine, until you get home and their fever shoots right back up... that's sort of where my fear lies with myself. Yadda, yadda.

Anyway, hope all have a nice weekend and Padre's Day!

Night,
L

cleaning, burning and face-booking

2008-06-12T13:17:00.000-07:00

I have begun cleaning at long last. I started with the pantry yesterday, went and got groceries today to re-fill the pantry, and am in the midst of dishes now (well the dishwasher is anyway). The boys and I are burned to a crisp! I put sunscreen on Thomas and Tyler, but somehow, Tyler's back is just awful... poor baby. He cried to go to bed last night 9you have to know him to understand why that is a big deal), and got in bed with me at around 4:45 this morning. We picked up some aloe gel at the store, but you know, that stuff just wears off too fast. My feet and knees are pretty bad... feels like they are going to crack when I bend. I didn't put sunscreen on myself (idiot) because I am still trying to get as much vitamin D as I can. Yep, we're staying in today.

I finally added stuff to my facebook page. I set it up months ago so I could read Andrew's for work. It's amazing how many people are there and how many have already seemed to fall out of the sky since yesterday. It makes you think about how many people we meet throughout our lives, how many of them know each other and how much we change over time... I feel like I've been about five different people since highschool. It's strange... and addicting to find people... and it's keeping me from housework-- even now, LOL.

So, I'll jump off now.

Happy summer,
L

learning to relax

2008-06-11T14:43:00.000-07:00

I made some temporary decisions yesterday, asked a couple of needed questions, got a couple of (temporary) answers and decided today to REALLY start vacation. That also means cleaning the house though, which I have managed to put off all day, LOL. Andrew left for Ichthus this morning, and then the boys and I spent the rest of the day outside-- they in the pool, me getting sunburned. My feet included. Then, after we walked down the lane to the mailbox (to find no mail after Thomas crash landed his bike-- he's okay), we came in and ate some popcorn. I am seriously going to go clean though. I can't take it anymore-- and I definitely can't really relax until it's done. I crave organization here... my classroom has been organized all year, now it's time for home.

I am hoping to update here a little more often during this break... and eventually, maybe I can post more about the quandary I have been in lately. For now-- I'm off to the kitchen-- gotta start somewhere.

L

today...

2008-06-09T15:08:00.001-07:00

was the day I FINALLY got done with my classroom pack up. Whew! Summer has officially begun for me at last. On the flip side of that, decisions and diagnostic stuff is here now for me. It seems that with a couple of things I was looking into, I have "just missed" the mark. I know I am sounding cryptic, and don't mean to, but I can't exactly spell it out here... anyway, some of you know what I am referring to... and, I am trying to see what I think of as my own "bad timing" in reality as God's will. I am open to His direction and am praying with faith for it to be revealed to me... Still, you can't help but kick yourself when your timing just stinks, you know...

So, I ask for your prayers for guidance and discernment, even if you're not sure what I'm talking about, LOL.

Blessings,
Lynn

I'm a stressed-out moron...

2008-06-06T06:22:00.000-07:00

I haven't blogged for a while... end of school stress, packing things up for summer and other stressful events. I left school after cleaning yesterday in such a tizzy with Tyler that I went off and left my sizzix machines and die-cuts in a large basket on the bench inside by the office doors... and didn't realize until I got home. UGH. And, of course no one would answer the phone this morning (summer program is there), so I went ahead and got ready to go earlier, BUT Andrew just called (he is picking up some sound equipment from the church the school is in), and said he would get it and put it outside my (locked) classroom door... I hope he finds it. You know a person is frazzled when they do something so stupid... sigh... I just want to get everything at school done today and then I can slow down a bit. A lot of stressful things have accompanied the end of this school year... things I really can't talk about here, but I really need a mental break.

Then, I get electrocuted on the 19th (the nerve conduction thing) after Andrew is home from Ichthus. He goes to set up Saturday, then leaves for the festival on Wednesday and back on Father's Day. Then, the electrocution. He's got major stuff going on right now, too... and it's just a really stressful time right now, which is only compounding my problems with being "Twitchy Woman"...

Anyway... yes, I am still around, I am a moron and ready for a break-- that pretty much sums it all up for now. Hope everyone out there is good.

L

what kind of mom are you?

2008-05-29T14:53:00.000-07:00

just did this... this is who I am, apparently...

Which TV Mom Are You?

My Result: Lois

You are Lois from Malcolm in the Middle. From coming up with punishments to putting together interesting combinations of leftovers for dinner, there's never any doubt who's running the show at home: It's you. You're pragmatic and proficient, but keeping your kids in line, keeping them fed, and keeping within your budget probably leaves you feeling harried. Sometimes after shouting out orders or admonishments, you might feel more like a monster than a mother.
But there's never any doubt that you love your kids and are a mama bear when it comes to protecting them: just ask anyone who's ever tried to criticize them. You've got an extra sense for sniffing out trouble and are a genius when it comes to coming up with tricks for nipping it in the bud.

What are you?
http://web.tickle.com/jumpto?test=tvmomogt&c=50652

Not ALL totally me, but a lot of it is-- not sure if that's such a good thing, LOL.

Lynn

whew... 4 days...

2008-05-29T14:25:00.000-07:00

until the last day of school. :) Today, we had field day, and I bypassed the sunscreen since I am in need of vitamin D (a deficiency)... all day, no noticeable sun at all... other people were noticeably brown or burned... me, nothing. Then, after we came in and were in for about 3 hours, my arms began to turn-- they're red now, but not anywhere else. Very strange. Wonder if that is how a vitamin D deficiency works? It's always taken sun a long time to show up on me, but not usually tis long. Don't know? Don't know if I posted before, but apparently, I have a Vitamin D level of 10, which is supposed to be between 30-100. Don't really know much more about it though at this point.

This afternoon, I received my contract for next year... until I get through these tests with the neuro and rheumatologist, I don't know what to do...

Anyway, summer is coming and I need it... God will reveal the rest to me; I know He will. Keeping faith in that fact is the key.

Lynn

still alive

2008-05-26T08:42:00.000-07:00

just quiet... some things on my mind and some things I am just tired of thinking about and don't want to put into words yet. Home for holiday and only have a few more days of school left, so life will get quieter soon. Hope everyone out there is well.

L

what is wrong with the world?

2008-05-09T14:57:00.000-07:00

I know I just posted a "one of those days" kind of post, but seriously, people have just shocked me all day long today! Things that they think are right-- and I am so not saying I am always right-- but it's been one of those days where I have thought "what the heck is wrong with you?" about 800 times. Just super selfish things, and inconsiderate things, things that you just cannot believe people justify... just kills me.

So in recognition of that thought... and the fact that Andrew just bought me this CD last week... (pretty sure I've posted this song before)...

We got all the stuff for Mother's Day made at school-- and darn it, I didn't get any pics to post... was too busy trying to get them made in time. We did "in their own words" cookbooks-- sooooo cute! And we made flower pots with flower pens (you know with the silk flowers and floral tape). The kids decorated their flower pots-- they really turned out cute, but alas no pics. Hoping for a nice Mother's Day this year myself. :) It was teacher appreciation week, so I am happily adorned with roses and flower bouquets, lotion, a tote bag and lots of candy-- most of which I can't eat (sugar), but it's okay; I like to share. Now if I could just stop twitching and hurting, and get my memory to work again, I'd be set. Tyler had to open his own inhaler this morning--- I couldn't get it open... and I bought toothpaste yesterday because I totally forgot Andrew bought some the day before. Don't think you can ever really have too much though anyway, LOL.

Off to the weekend... Happy Mom's Day!

L

falling apart

2008-05-07T14:39:00.000-07:00

Do you ever have one of those days where everything you have put on hold or not allowed yourself to think about or haven't had TIME to think about seems to come crashing down around you? You know, when you;ve been going through life status quo and all of a sudden you have a day where it feels like you are suddenly forced to deal with EVERYTHING all at once? Today felt that way to me. It's been an emotional week at work this week, still in the middle of medical quandaries, and yes, to exasperate things, I am also hormonal. We're already dealing with things for next year at work, and there are a lot of changes, problems, etc. ahead, so just some stressful stuff to think about there. I've been drifting around since last week (since starting the neurontin back) and so I asked yesterday when I called for my results if I could go back to the whole dose at night again, and I have the go ahead, so I went all day today without it. Much more awake, but more twitching, tingling, etc. And, when I got to school this morning, I hit my head first thing-- and hard-- jarred my teeth, LOL. Just such a Monday kind of day.

Then, Thomas gives me his progress report (I have to finish mine tonight to go home tomorrow, on top of Mother's Day gifts I have to finish up on for school), and he has a "D"-- yes, a "D" in MATH-- what?!?!?! I know, this is just a progress reoprt, but they JUST started sending home actual grades and I am floored by this-- the kid is so good in math! And, no explanation other than the list of grades-- so I'm trying not to react in front of him, but I am seriously floored. Then we get to his homework and he is now working on fractions-- less than / greater than... okay, but they don't have the same denominator, he doesn't know what that term means and they aren't doing division yet... huh? How is he supposed to understand what he is doing? SO, I didn't get my stuff pulled together for school tomorrow, just trying to help him understand it... another teacher came over and tried to help out, the other K teacher and I had a long talk and by the time I got out of there, it was 5:00-- my stuff for tomorrow is not ready, my mother's day recipes aren't typed and my progress reports aren't done. Not a good ending to a not good day. That's how all of life hit me all at once.

We are too busy to see how things aren't working most days and then it all just falls right on your head. We need to reconfigure how homework is done and checked, Thomas needs more help-- more attention. I can't get stuff done, so I bring it home, the house is a mess, Thomas needs help with homework, we eat out too much, the laundry needs to be folded, the dog walked, lunches to make for tomorrow, progress reports, cookbooks to type, and here I sit. I just had to get it all off my chest... but there has GOT to be a better system... sigh...

L

i haven't taken pics in a while

2008-05-02T13:52:00.000-07:00

Been too busy with stuff... Thomas and Tyler went to scouts at a local living arts museum and they had a reptile night last night. Andrew took these with his phone, so not great quality, but at least we got them. I didn't go... and no offense Andrew about the pics-- it's not the "taker", just the tool. :)

I have another of Tyler with the snake, but it's on my phone. I wasn't at all surprised that Ty touched the snake, but I was surprised that Thomas did-- my kiddos are night and day.

Look at his face, he looks like he's counting the seconds until the snake is gone, LOL.

LOVE this turtle... well, I guess it's really a "tortoise".

As for me... I got my stuff to fill out in the mail today from the new rheumatologist... pretty intensive paperwork there... and I'm not supposed to fill it out until one week before I visit in June. I haven't gotten any results from the neurologist yet-- figured I wouldn't yet. I started the neurontin back yesterday and it's going to be a hard adjustment to taking it during the day. I took all of it at night last time I took it-- now it's spread out through the day. It's kicking my butt right now... I hope it gets better. It seems to be helping the tingling, but not even touching the twitches at all yet. I twitched all last night, had cramps in my feet and have twitched all day. It's like having an alien or something crawling under your skin-- you can actually SEE it... my hands, my arms, my feet, my eyes, etc. My foot was going crazy last night-- my toe kept moving involuntarily. BIG movements, too. It's worse at the end of the day when I TRY to relax. It's driving me crazy.

I've been thinking about the "no resolution" comment by this dr. I think (aka "hope") he was just saying that if I think there is one thing I can "do" to make it all stop without taking meds, then that's not going to happen... I have decided that if it makes it stop, I can deal with meds. And in retrospect, he made this statement shortly after I said that I didn't like taking the neurontin. SO, I am thinking he simply meant that there was no one thing I am going to be able to do just once and be done with it. What I WANT is to find the root cause-- to have an answer to the "what" this is, and then I want to DO what I need to do just to feel normal again. He did say after that "no resolution" comment that he thinks that it's still the right thing to do to find the root cause. That comment was a bit odd, too-- I kind of thought, "well, yeah, you think I'm just going to feel this way and go about life as usual, not wondering why it's happening?" But I realize he said things a little differently just because he is not from here, so I need to give him the benefit of the doubt, I guess. So, I guess I've calmed down a bit, but still just REALLY need and want to figure out what is causing this and move on. If it's Vitamin D, tell me, I'll take some... if it's some nerological disorder, tell me-- if it's autoimmune tell me... and then tell me what to DO and NOT DO, you know...

So, anyway, off to the weekend... going to take a little rest now... hopefully, I'll be able to get back to photog soon, I miss it. :(

L

okay

2008-04-30T14:39:00.000-07:00

Well, that's done. Saw the neurologist-- not the best beside manner I've ever seen, and apparently he has it in for immunologists-- sheesh! He said he was not going to "get into arguments with immunologists anymore"-- so sorry I made him go through that. I was a little ticked about it after the appt., but now that some time has passed, um I'm really ticked about it! I'm so sorry if he can't come to terms with a specific type of dr., but this is MY LIFE, dude-- seriously! ANYWAY... he has me back on neurontin and according to him, "the bad news is"... I'll have to stay on it. AND, whatever it is that is going on with me will not have (in his words), a "resolution". It has been his experience with people that have complications similar to mine that these things do not get "healed". We will look for what is causing them, but whatever it is, I was "born with", and it's not going to get "resolved". We can treat the symptoms, but the underlying cause is always going to be there. Now, why did he feel the need to say that in that manner? Could be lost in translation (he is Austrian-- no offense if you are-- don't mean it that way, he just had a different way of saying things that what I am used)-- or is he just cranky and hates immunologists so he's taking it out on me? I don't know, but it made me sad all day. He said it was "the right thing" to seek out the cause, but ultimately, it will not lead to a resolution where it will all go away.

I said before, I don't have to feel "GREAT", I just want to feel normal... is that too much to ask, I mean really? I don't think I am looking for a "solution", just a way to feel better... and now, I am TOTALLY confused, because he says the "T-cell deficiency" is basically a bogus "catch all" term and should have never been used. He said that of course t-cells are always part of the picture when you have re-current yeast infections and that the term "t-cell deficiency" should never have been used. So what does all that mean?

Not sure I know for sure yet, but he referred me to another rheumatologist to get a 2nd opinion about RA, etc. Does that mean it is or isn't an autoimmune problem? Don't know. He is having me come back in June to do a muscle / nerve conduction test before I go see the rheumatologist. He took 10 vials of blood and is testing me for Celiac and my CK count (to do with muscle-firing or something like that). And, I'm back on the neurontin. Sigh...

So, I have a follow-up with the Integrative chick in May (guess I will find out the rest of those results then). Oh, and he did say that a vitamin-D deficiency can cause muscle twitches... interesting... meanwhile, if you have an autoimmune issue and you take a vitamin D supplement in the wrong dose, it can complicate matters, so here I sit on that one.

The frustration continues... I explained it to someone tis way... it's like someone is sitting on your shoulder making the most annoying sound you can think of without stopping for months right in your ear. It eats at you until you want to scream-- that's the best way I know how to explain this. And, I am supposed to think there's no solution... no thanks... I'm betting on the fact that there is. Like I said, I don't have to feel "great"; good will do.

L

today & tomorrow

2008-04-29T15:03:00.001-07:00

Today, we had a field trip to an art center and a play. We ate paper sack lunches indoors because it was so cold, but other than that, it was good. It was long and I am beat, but the kids were really pretty good and the play was cute. :) The stairs got me and I felt to be about 80... pretty tired of that.

Tomorrow, I have my neuro. appointment. Kind of nervous. It's such a strange thing to feel like you don't want them to find something, but then again you want them to find something. After everything, I just can't go on another wild goose chase. I also can't stand the thought of this being something really scary. It's a catch-22. I just want to feel like a normal 35 year old-- I don't have to feel "great" all the time, just "normal" would be just fine. I sat there at the play today and noticed that both of my hands were twitching, then my feet. When it's NOT happening, I try to talk myself into believing that it's just been my imagination or something, but then when it is happening, that is hard to do. And then the "voodoo" like pain-- you can't ignore that when it happens. It's very much like my body is just attacking itself or trying to "throw something out" (for lack of a better description).

Anyway... hopefully, hopefully, hopefully, I will be closer to understanding tomorrow than I am today.

L

feeling

2008-04-27T11:14:00.000-07:00

frustrated, under-appreciated, like crap in general. I know I am not the only one to ever feel this way- I know others can definitely identify, but that is where I am at the moment. It's not just that I am physically feeling like crap, but that leads me to feeling useless and then the things that I DO do, I feel are not good enough... for me or anyone else. I don't know if it is just me putting that pressure on myself and it's just built up over time or what. But, Thomas has even been shall we say less than appreciative of my efforts. This is my "thoughtful" kid. So it makes me wonder if maybe I just suck at everything right now.

Andrew came home to a messy house since I was sick while he was gone, and I have been very sensitive to little comments here and there. Thomas complained while Andrew was gone because he didn't get to do some things because "Daddy wasn't home" AND I was sick, so he really hurt my feelings with a couple of comments ha made about not getting to do some things. The house is still a mess because we had the pinewood waste of time yesterday, which has me further upset. They judged the council race TOTALLY differently than they did the pack and district and so Thomas didn't even place with his awesome car. He tried really hard not to, but he cried. IT broke. my. heart. And now that HE is okay with it, I'm kinda mad because they judged it differently, and we just KNEW he was going to at least place for design.

Today, I HAVE to clean, we HAVE to get the recyclables out of here and I HAVE to get my planning done. There's not enough weekend. And, I HURT again. Um, yeah, you might say I'm in a valley today. Sigh... and I shouldn't be on here, got lunch beeping at me on the oven timer... I need a good day in the sun... Off to the beeping for now.

L

so...

2008-04-25T14:57:00.000-07:00

this week is FINALLY over! Good grief, this was one long week! I'm finally feeling better-- just have the things I have all but grown accustomed to at this point. I mentioned yesterday that I got an earlier appointment with a neurologist at last. I find it interesting that my GP was able to get an appointment for less than a week away, while the Integrative dr. had made one for me that was going to be TWO MONTHS away. Makes me wonder if they take her seriously, ya know? Anyway, I will be so glad to have that over with! Normally, I would probably just be happy with ruling some things out that have me worried, but this has been going on for so long, that I REALLY want an actual ANSWER, so I hope something will point us in the right direction. I'm really tired of this.

The Integrative dr. gave me some immune building stuff, vitamin B complex and fish oil capsules. I started getting my symptoms of a yeast infection again, so I quit taking them. I don't want to not do what I need to do, but you know, when one of the primary problems returns that quickly, it makes you wonder why you're taking something... I just want *something* to work...

Anyway, Andrew put tons of pictures up from his week at GMA (Gospel Music Association week-- this is what is part of the Dove Awards)... go check them out here on his Youth Roots Music site. He sent me a pic on my cell phone of him with David Crowder, but I can't manage to emil it to myself... my phone is not THAT high-tech... his on the other hand-- I'll see if he can email it to me and try to post it if he'll let me. :)

School has been tiring and dramatic... with kids and other "issues"... Did I mention I am so happy for the weekend? LOL

Thomas has his pinewood derby COUNCIL race tomorrow! He won't be racing, but competing in creative design-- it would be SOOOO awesome if he won-- I am hoping he has a good chance! :)

Anyway, think I am going to jump in the shower. It's been 80 degrees here for a few days and I'm feeling stinky-- LOL-- have a good weekend-- hope it's as long as the week was. :)

L

Thursday.. ahhhh...

2008-04-24T15:41:00.000-07:00

Andrew is minutes from home, I got a neurologist appt. for next Wednesday and my fever, etc. is gone...

Whew!

L

what day is it?

2008-04-23T13:55:00.001-07:00

What a loooooonnnnnggggg week! I waited and waited for results-- called and called to get someone to answer me. I was finally told that I have a Vitamin D deficiency and that my dr. will "discuss my other results with me at my follow-up appt. in May". K. so, apparently, a vitamin D deficiency is common in autoimmune diseases, lupus, MS, all the stuff I am worried about... so... I called my regular dr. to try and get a sooner appt. with a neurologist... called yesterday (he doesn't come in on Tuesdays). In the meantime, I got REALLY sick-- last night I had a temp. of 102 (which for me is more like 103). I called every sub on the list for school-- all booked. My director was going to try and shuffle people around, but when I got up this morning, my fever broke, so I went on in. What the heck is wrong with me? Really, that's all I want to know.

So, just a bit ago, I finally got a call back (after calling them this afternoon) to tell me the names of some neurologists... um, I just wanted the appt., and figured it would be faster if they could do it for me... the appt. maker said she could do it for me or I could do it... I asked if it would get me in quicker if she did it, and she said probably not, but I opted for the chance that it would and asked her to do it. I may regret that-- I don't know... I hope not.

At least Andrew will be home tomorrow-- YAY! This has been the longest week EVER!

L

Warning: I'm going to be ugly and you might not want to read this.

2008-04-21T13:28:00.000-07:00

I put that up there because I am completely PO'ed at this point and I just can't take this crap anymore, I really can't.

I called the stupid Immunologist's office this morning to be kind and cancel the appointment that they tried to make me wait 8 weeks for. Since they were supposed to "see what they could do" and call me back with an earlier appointment, and I NEVER heard back from them, I assumed that meant that the appointment was still scheduled and I would be the bigger person and actually call to cancel it-- SURPRISE, they didn't have me down for an appointment AT ALL! I told them that I thought that was simply amazing since they never called me back, and the receptionist had the nerve to ask me if I needed to make an appointment since I apprently never had one-- UM-- NO THANK YOU-- that one would probably be for SEPTEMBER.

So, then, I was supposed to get my test results-- you know, the ones I was SUPPOSED to have last Thursday from the "very thorough dr. who was supposed to be finding all the answers for me". Yeah, I didn't hear from her all morning, so decided to call them at lunch. RESULTS NOT IN YET AGAIN!! SO... I very politely stated that I have some nerve / muscle related issues that I am growing more and more concerned about and that the appt. they made me to a neurologist was for JUNE, and I needed those results before I Could call to get that moved up-- AND repeated that I was growing very concerned about these symptoms that have gotten worse. She said she would check with the lab tech (WHO, BTW is IN the doctor's stinking office)... and I should call back this afternoon. K.

2:00, I have my planning. I call. The dr. HAS the results and has finished up with her morning patients and will be calling me back. K. Meanwhile, I am have started feeling like total crap. My throat is killing me, I feel like I have a fever, on TOP of all the nerve pains and muscle pain and twitches.

Yeah, 3:00-- car line for kids to go home.

I go home because I feel like CRAP.

I wonder why she STILL hasn't called, so I jump online to check the office hours-- this was at 4:06.

Um, they close at 4:00.

Did she call me? No.

I call and get the machine at their office. They will re-open Tuesday morning at 8:30.

What days does this dr. come into the office? Monday and Thursday.

I seriously cannot take it anymore.

K... now my hands hurt and I am SERIOUSLY tired of complaining.

L

Oh my gosh...

2008-04-20T07:30:00.000-07:00

I just discovered that TARGET has been selling my book, LOL! Now, my publisher "is no more", so it was not placed there by them, but darn, that would have been awesome if that had been able to line that up when I actually got royalties! I'm pretty bumbed that I see no royalties from that since they've ended publication. I also found mention of my book in several recent newspaper articles... what is up with that happening now that it doesn't count? Makes me wonder... anybody out there interested in re-working it / republishing / re-releasing? I'd be more than happy-- got TONS of new ideas to refresh the thing now...

something to lighten the mood

2008-04-19T07:59:00.001-07:00

I just stumbled on this...

This made me laugh... and then I found a ton of them on youtube-- do a search, LOL. It must be all the rage now-- I feel like an old married hag, LOL... (14 years next month--yikes!!!) We didn't get to dance at our wedding (reception at a Baptist college-- no dancing), but I SOOOO totally would have done this-- it would have been too funny!

Gettin' my "back" in gear to get something done today now...

L

results? nope...

2008-04-17T16:51:00.000-07:00

Yeah, so I waited all day for a call from the dr. with results-- nope. After school, I called them-- nope, didn't come in... try back on Monday. I asked about getting an appointment sooner with the neurologist (or seeing a different one)... got the typical, "have you called them to ask about going sooner if there is a cancellation?". Um, no, I have no results to give to them to help me do that... so, looks like it's all Monday. Here we go again.

L

I kind of went AWOL

2008-04-16T15:07:00.000-07:00

because I'm too stinkin' tired. I went to the dr. on Monday and somehow it is already Wednesday... I am exhausted. Andrew leaves on his trip on Saturday, and won't be back until Thursday, and I am already exhausted. Not good.

Had more tests at this new dr. She is really thorough, and listens and wants to get to an answer, which is all very good, but she made a referral for me to see a neurologist, and they called with that appointment today... June 3rd! What? I cannot keep doing this for that long... here we go again. I should be getting a call with my yet more test results tomorrow, so when they call, I am going to make it perfectly clear that I cannot wait that long. She will either have to send me to someone else or get me in quicker. I need relief. I would have told them all this when they called me with the appointment, but they called me on my cell phone right at the end of lunch-- I was in a hurry to write it down and get the kids, and then all I was thinking was how the date fit into my schedule with the end of the school year, Ichthus, etc. About 5 minutes later, it hit me... JUNE... this is APRIL, um, no.

So, now I am just a big crying baby again. I am so worn out with this. I am so tired of myself, I really am. Not to mention doctors. I just cannot understand how they could expect me to wait that long with the neurological stuff I have going on and the immune stuff-- just don't get it. I'm tired of wasting time and feeling like crap while I'm doing it. And I'm tired of complaining... I'll shut-up now...

L

tomorrow is the day

2008-04-13T19:00:00.000-07:00

I am going to my appt. with the Integrative Medicine dr. in the morning. I have drawn up all of test papers and my full medical history... I know I sound nuts for doing that, but I have GOT to find an answer, and I have really big hopes with this dr. I think I have included everything that could possibly be related in that and I am just really trying to take charge of my health once and for all. I told Andrew that if they told me to eat noting but broccoli, I'd do it-- I am so tired of being in pain and being so tired.

So, anyway, if you think about me at around 8:30 (EST) tomorrow, please say a little prayer for me... which makes me think of this (everything makes me think of a song, LOL).

L

Funny

2008-04-09T16:13:00.000-07:00

So, I posted a link to Dave Barnes, a good musician in my "Good Stuff" post the other day... one Andrew had brought to my attention, and we have since discovered that he is also a comedian... who knew? Andrew found this on youtube... a just "for fun" video (the "Andrew" in this is also a musician)... he has lots of other funny stuff on youtube if you dig around, but this one just made me laugh. :)

L

back into it, and ugh...

2008-04-09T14:49:00.000-07:00

So, we've been back to school from spring break for three days now... and it feels like it. I need sleep, I h-urt and there has been more drama... add to that I can't sleep and I'm hormonal, and ugh. 5 days until my dr. appt. with the integrative med. dr.-- come on Monday. I have to be able to get somewhere with this dr.-- I can't take it anymore... I must have looked especially miserable this morning (I was) because during morning prayer before school, they laid hands on me and prayed. I need to feel better-- I am so ready for that.

I have lots of adorable pictures of my kids at school (for a graduation project we're working on), but I can't post them here-- pooh... I have some super cute kids-- wish I could! :) Doing some work on moving forward with the pics still, so hopefully, more to post on that soon.

Going to sit on the couch for a bit before cooking supper...

L

it's the end of our break

2008-04-06T15:36:00.000-07:00

as we know it... tomorrow, we go back to life in the craziness... shoot! And, to top it off, it has been gorgeous today... makes it even harder... sigh.

I had a really well-rounded break with the kids-- didn't step foot in the school building all week... which was nice. We also slept late every day, which was nice, but makes the prospect of 6am look pretty awful, too. I didn't do too much of any one thing this week-- I cleaned enough, I got to see my family (extended, I mean), I got to work on photog stuff (which has only put me in the mood to do that all the time-- come on summer), I got to explore the world with the boys (including Andrew), I got to visit a church I have always wanted to visit, we got ice cream, went out to lunch, went to the library-- it has been *nice*.

So, I said I would post about our "family adventure day" yesterday... we went to the state capital city (very close-by home) and just walked around down-town. We ate at a local diner, took pictures, walked across the "singing bridge", listened to the world around us (have I mentioned that we also saw "August Rush" over the break? You HAVE to see it if you haven't!)... we found some cool chalk-graffiti and were able to add a little sidewalk art ourselves, just a very cool day... so, here are a few of the pics. I have a TON more, so I'll probably add in the coming days and will be putting some up on my photo blog, too.

*Someone had written "Join Hands" on the sidewalk with chalk-- the chalk was left behind, so Thomas and Tyler added some of their own art-- will add those pics later. Just couldn't resist the pose with the words.

*This is one of my all-time favs of Thomas-- just wish his eyes were open a little more-- he was standing outside an old building down-town.

*Can't decide which way I like this one... we were sitting in a booth in the diner and he was by the window... good lighting. :)It looks better bigger, too, so click on it.

These still need some tweaking, but I like them. :) Loads more still...

Back to life as usual for now,
L

andrew

2008-04-06T08:25:00.001-07:00

let me take some pics of him yesterday on our family adventure day (will post more pics of that later-- got some awesome shots of the boys again), but wanted to go ahead and get these up of Andrew... he makes me smile. :)

L

cool dudes and portraits

2008-04-04T09:13:00.000-07:00

added to my photo blog (click that to see them).

Added a bunch of portraits of Thomas from our outing, too... scroll down on my photo blog for those. :)

L

we had a blast yesterday

2008-04-04T06:09:00.000-07:00

We knew the rain was coming, so the boys and I jumped in the car to return some movies, some library books, pay some bills, get dog food, you know, a mountain of errands... we were trying to beat the rain. Well, I am so consumed with my camera these days, that I thought I'd just take it and maybe if the rain held off long enough, we'd stop at this little historical park area and take a few pictures. It was sprinkling lightly, but we did make it in time... with umbrella in hand, we spent a long time at this little park and discovered a few little local treasures that we drive past every day, but don't pay attention to. So, this spurred us on to find more... we drove around town and every time we noticed something cool we hadn't noticed before, we jumped out of the car and took pictures, all the while dodging sprinkles with our tiny little umbrella. It was a blast! The boys loved the history they found and getting to see things closely that they usually just drive past... I totally think we should all do this from time to time. It was the best day!

And, here are a few shots I got (um, I took 150 pictures yesterday... yikes!)... more will be on my photo blog-- as soon as I get all the editing done. :)

ETA: Apparently, embedding from the new Adobe makes the pics "un-clickable"... I will put pics up on my photo blog that are (so they will enlarge).

(They were putting on their "cool" faces-- LOL).

(Trying to look "cool" again... this reminds me of the old farm couple with the pitchfork, LOL.)

good stuff

2008-04-02T08:52:00.001-07:00

This is good.

He is good (Thanks, Andrew!)

These are good (and made with Spelda)... they have gone down in size though, which is NOT good-- wah!

Been doing this while eating lunch... gotta go, will find more good stuff later, just a bit to post for now. :)

L

I know it's hard to believe...

2008-04-01T13:25:00.000-07:00

but I actually like this song, LOL. Something I said today reminded me of it-- I know it's not my typical music, but I like it and I haven't posted much music lately, so here you go. :)

L

Um, yeah...

2008-03-31T17:15:00.000-07:00

Some encouraging revelations upon printing out some of my photos from my new camera... I just might be able to *really* do this-- I am so stinking excited! I really am! Been chatting with Andrew about possibly doing some "specific" photo work this summer (all I will say about that for now--shhh), but I am really thinking I might be able to give it a go afterall... I'm working on some "classes" at the moment, too, so it's all very exciting! I'm still in the "wait and see" stages, so I haven't and won't say much just yet, but there is hope... cryptic enough for ya? Sorry...

Anyway, on other sides of my universe, Tyler's cough is no good (his asthma just might be allergy-related afterall I am thinking)... and I know no one wants to come by here and read me boo-hoo about how much I hurt, so I've not said much about it, but I spend much of the day in pain these days... that will be my biggest hurtle with the photog. I am afraid. I do have an appt. in April with a new dr., just trying to make it until then... just want someone to tell me what to do and I will do it. For now, on stuff for pain from my GP when I can take it, otherwise, just dealing with at as best I can ya know...

All I want to do is take pictures, LOL... I love being excited about something again! :)

L

some stuff

2008-03-30T18:59:00.000-07:00

Took lots of pics today at a family birthday party... posted more on my photo blog.

Wanted to post my favs here, too...

On spring break this week, yee-haw, so I am sure much more to follow. :)

L

color me still happy... in Easter colors...

2008-03-23T15:07:00.001-07:00

Still playing with the camera and got creative with Easter egg hunt pics. Did I mention that I LOVE my camera?!? I so do.

Happy Easter!
L

color me happy...

2008-03-21T19:33:00.000-07:00

I *LOVE* my new camera! I mean *LOVE*. I feel enabled at last. :) Watch out-- I may just become dangerous now, LOL. I bought a Canon D-SLR (Rebel, 350D) because I wanted to be able to use the EOS lens I had for my film SLR-- to interchange with the one that came with the new camera, and boy, that was a good decision! I am in love with the thing! I know I have many other things I need to get up, but I've been playing with these and just had to put these up first... love, love, love my new investment! Not to even mention this was a *super* fun day. :)

L

I really do have lots to say...

2008-03-21T08:17:00.000-07:00

just been busy, and am spending the day with Ty... we have the day off for Good Friday today. :)

Thomas "kicked butt" (in the words of Ty) and won district pinewood original design, too... have pics-- will add later. We now get to take the car to Council! WOW!!

Also... drum roll... got the taxes back and my brand new D-SLR... yee haw! Now, if I can only find the time...

Anyway... off to the day with Ty. Will be back with pics when I get a chance. :)

L

our weekend in pictures (been trying this for a couple of days)

2008-03-09T18:35:00.000-07:00

Hope this works! Blogger's been hiccuping.

Yep, it hit us again... about 9 inches of it to be exact... Still have Monster Jam pics to add, but the weekend pictures first. :)

The snowman pictures are after the melt had begun...

And... isn't this ironic poetry (see the kite in the window?)-- ha!

Here's hoping spring is coming soon-- it has warmed up and just about everything has melted-- keeping my fingers crossed! :)

L

a post...

2008-03-05T14:59:00.000-08:00

Haven't been on much... not feeling great... Thomas either. I called my immunologist and they can't see me for SEVEN WEEKS-- yes-- almost two months-- and I am NOT a new patient-- what is that about? And, when I requested a visit sooner because A) I am not a NEW patient and B) because I have already been hurting for a MONTH now and C) I have this immune deficiency, they were actually RUDE to me! This dr. = great-- his staff= NOT!

SO-- I made the decision that I cannot stand this nagging hurting anymore and I made an appointment to see the Integrative Medicine dr. that I had originally had an appt. with before I ever went to see the Immunologist last summer. It's not until April either unfortunately, but at least that is because I AM a new patient there... just help me get through 'till April! I have GOT to get to the bottom of this; a person should not have to live with pain every single day with the only relief being pain pills. My GP is treating the symptom, not the cause-- not his fault-- that's what he knows, but SOMEBODY has GOT to helpp me with this-- it's ridiculous how much of my life I have wasted on hurting-- no more!

Rant over... just can't do it anymore, ya know...

On a positive note, I got an excellent eval at work today. Even though I'm not sure what the future holds, a vote of confidence is always a nice thing. :)

Off to potatoes and soup... have LOTS of monster truck pics, will get them up soon (especially if we end up with the 4-6 inches of snow they say is possible-- oiy).

L

HE WON!!!!!!!

2008-03-01T12:32:00.000-08:00

I just love this boy! Look at that proud smile!

Thomas won "Most Original" design at the pinewood derby today! His car rocked! He was so excited (as I knew he would be-- this means the world to him), that he jumped up from his seat, and threw his arm in the air with a resounding, "YES!" at the top of his lungs. I had my camera at the ready to capture the look on his face (I had a feeling that he had won), but I only got a picture of his arm, he sprang up so fast, LOL... all the way around the track to get his trophy, he kept saying, "I KNEW IT!"... he has never been this excited EVER-- what a day! I'm throwing a few more pictures from the race up here-- the first one is of him jumping up-- obviously, not a good picture, just funny... you can see more of the woman's hair in the chair in front of him than you can see of him, but it just makes me laugh since I was there to see his reaction. :)

Behind the scenes, Andrew was busy helping out and was a proud papa...

And Tyler dreams of the day when it will be his turn...

As the cars whizzed by...

What a fun day!

And, now he gets to go to "districts" in two weeks-- he is so proud!

Tonight, we are going to "Monster Jam" for our little Monster Truck fan... I'm sure we'll have LOTS of pics of that, too. Fun, fun day...

L

went back

2008-02-27T05:56:00.000-08:00

to the dr.-- not the immunologist, but just my GP... have just been hurting way too much. He gave me something for the hurt-- it's helping, but not quite fast enough and it's making me sleepy. He ran a couple of blood tests to check my ANA, etc. since I haven't had that done since summer. He thinks I could have been trying to "fight off" a viral thing (with my lack of T cells, my body gets confused about where the "bad guy" is) OR it could be THE thing that has been elusive rearing it's ugly head... maybe the lupus-type thing we haven't been able to identify... either way, I am tired of hurting.

We have yet another snow day today-- yikes-- I think we're on number 8! And, for some reason these things have been hitting on Tuesdays... We didn't get much at all at home though. I've got to get into school somehow today to get stuff ready for my morning sub tomorrow... going to observe another classroom.

Andrew flies to NY today... prayers are with him, if you read this, please do the same. :) Safety, confidence, clarity and direction.

We're wrapping up on Thomas' pinewood derby today-- will post pics soon-- it's top secret for now. ;) It's awesome this year! :) Hoping for a creativity trophy this time around.

L

do you go to the door...

2008-02-23T10:14:00.000-08:00

with a towel on your head? I don't. Someone just knocked on my door and here I sit with a towel wrapped around my head and the blinds to the window open right beside me. I ran around the corner before she could see me... LOL. It looked like she had a picture frame, so my guess is she was selling something, but I don't exactly live in a metropolis, so it's strange to get people just showing up down this lane-- if I were selling something, I wouldn't do it. I've had to make home visits down "lanes" and I wasn't comfy to say the least at a few.

Anyway, waiting for lunch from Andrew... the stinker went to the gym and left his cell in the car for 2 hours, and had me worried... lots of things I could be doing, but here I sit with a towel on my head. Thomas has his pinewood derby race coming up, so gotta get the plans, etc. sorted-- ya know, we're always last minute in those... best of intentions and all that...

Think I'll dry my hair now in case she comes back. :) I'll try to find something more exciting to say next time. :)

L

been feeling...

2008-02-22T16:31:00.000-08:00

witchy, only with a "b"... just tired of fussing at the kids-- and this has not been just since the snow hit, oh no... just tired of "re-directing" all day... love my babies, but ugh...

So, for laughs, I found this-- love this! Moms will understand it. ;)

And, while I was on a laughing kick, I went and snagged this, too... love my Conchords-- and this one is my favorite!

Smile! :)

L

the big thaw...

2008-02-22T12:16:00.000-08:00

Just posted some new pics of the thaw / ice on my photo blog.

Here are my moon pics, too... you can tell how cold I was by the movement, LOL, still cool to have them though. :)

L

home again, home again,

2008-02-22T07:44:00.000-08:00

jiggity jig.... is that how how spell jiggity? LOL

More ice... sigh... we're never getting out of school this summer! But, I'm not complaining for the extra sleep right now! :)

Need to spend some time cleaning today, want to get into picture stuff, and Thomas even gave me permission to scrapbook today-- ha! He just wants my computer! Andrew is home working so maybe it will be a PJ day all day for all of us. We were supposed to have a reward (100 marbles) PJ party in my classroom today, so I may just go with it here. :) I am really hurting-- have been for a week-- just so hurting... maybe headed back to the dr. I've tried everything, it's not leaving... PJs will be good today.

Maybe I'll stop back later with some pics (took some of the lunar eclipse I need to get off the camera), but for now, in honor of the jiggity up there...

L

still kickin'

2008-02-18T16:27:00.000-08:00

just have been busy...

Let's see... got a new cell phone, so if you have my old number, it's null... email me if you don't get one from me with my new number. :)

Got a lot of stuff still to do tonight for school, but it's looking like more snow may be hitting... we've already used up our "built-in" snow days, so we're into June... sigh...

Andrew's been busy, busy all day-- lots going on, but nothing I can post about, LOL. He's such a rockstar. :D

This video is for him. He loves this movie;)

L

in from the cold

2008-02-13T10:50:00.000-08:00

My third post today-- whoa!

We weren't able to make a snowman-- too much ice mixed in the snow, but the kiddos did go sledding down the hill (aka the gentle slope)... they had a blast and brrrrr... it's still snowing! I put up some other wintry shots on my photo blog, but here are a few "fun" ones...

And some "nature" shots...

(more of these here)...

AND... some action...

new soul

2008-02-13T06:49:00.000-08:00

I have been dying to find this song-- it's on the commercial for the new Mac laptop-- the ultra thin one... yay! I found it! LOVE this song... and how cool is this video?! WOW!

new soul by yael naim

**ETA: OK... go to her myspace... she has Hebrew and English songs on this album... I love it! Just WOW! Why do commercials have such awesome songs on them now anyway?

L

living in snowglobe

2008-02-13T06:33:00.000-08:00

We're going to try to make a snowman in a bit. It's just gotten a lot colder now-- we're going to have to bundle up or my feet and hands will be purple for 3 days. I've got lots of other snowy photos, but will wait for now... snowman pics coming soon, I hope.

Andrew went in to work today-- the interstate was a solid sheet of ice... sigh... I hope he can make it home later... hopefully, it will all be cleared by then. It's pretty bad when the side roads are better than than the interstate. They had some people coming in to visit, so he's there... saying a prayer for a good day with that and safety for him.

I've been working on Valentine stuff for school (thankfully, I brought all that home with me before the snow hit). I got all the card holder / paper bag books done last night and will be cutting out card supplies for mom and dad cards today. I have the cutest idea to include their photos in the cards, but don't know if I can get them all taken and printed all in one day or not... having a brand new printer / copier *in* my classroom helps A LOT, so I might try. I've got to figure out a way to pull more crafting into my classroom... wrote a book on it, but don't *do* it enough, LOL.

Will be back later I'm sure. :)

L