frustrated

OK-- I think I've used that title before-- LOL...

Anyway, I am in this creatively frustrated thing right now. I'm taking pictures, trying to learn-- to squeeze it all in because I *want* to take pictures... I *want* to learn how to do it and do it right, but I don't have the right equipment and so I am limited by what I have, and can't afford what I need to do it right. I also have all these ideas whirling around in my head and *want* to do them, but I'm restrained-- by time, by what I *have* to do everyday, but money, by all of those things that box us in. But it's more than just that really. I'm floundering... I HATE that feeling...

Since going back to work and all the other things of "normal life", I've kind of felt this gradually increasing nagging feeling, like what I am doing is "safe" but maybe not "right", all that bothers me, too, because if it was God's will for me to be doing these things, then I shouldn't feel so antsy, should I? So, I feel guilty for not wanting to do them... ugh... does that even make sense? Restless isn't even the right word... I don't know exactly the right words to use, but basically, a very large part of me isn't getting any exercise and so I am frustrated. I know I am supposed to be a servant, to put others before myself, I am just struggling with doing so much of that I guess maybe... I don't know... it sometimes squeezes the "me" out of me. I get lost in it.

This past week, I quit my steering team position in MOPS and a couple of other things that just were beginning to feel more like labor than labors of love... because of the time constraints, because of being a mom and trying to get it all in and make sure my boys get what they need from me, and because of the pursuit to find something that is me... I'm in this exhausted state of being right now... I need a date, I need a manicure, I need a facial, I need a camera, I need a raincoat and a sunburn (threw in a Counting Crows reference for you, dear)... I don't ask much, do I? (smirk) I am feeling demanding, and yet I can't stop myself... Anyway... just needed to somehow get that all into words and then maybe I can move on-- you know that's what I do here. I guess these posts are really for myself, and not that anyone else is reading them, but if you are, just know, this rant was just for me... I'll post something happy next time.

Enjoy some Counting Crows on me. :)



L