So, I said I would explain my video choice from yesterday...
I got to "go out" with Andrew last night-- we went to dinner and Wal-Mart. LOL-- I know... how exciting! But it did me some good to sit at a table with my husband and not have to cut food, wipe mouths or talk about using manners... and it was good to push a cart without having to maneuver it with a kid hanging on to the end of it and forgetting everything I came for in the midst of breaking up arguments. I know that there are TONS of moms who understand that very well, and I am sure there are also tons of moms who never go out without the kids EVER. So... for me... I thought about the video before we went out yesterday-- a video from when I was basically a kid, and it made me think about a lot things.
I used to dream (like the maid in the video) about "glamorous" dates with glamorous clothes, glamorous shoes, dancing... When we were kids, my cousin and I used to pretend that we were grown and living in New York in an apartment together, getting ready for our dates to pick us up. We'd fix our hair and pretend to put on make-up and perfume... we'd talk to our dates on pretend phones about the date (this was waaaaaaayyyyyyyyyyy before cell phones or we would have done that, too I am sure), and we even had an elevator that came up into our pretend loft apartment. We didn't see each other a lot back then-- we lived pretty far apart, but that was the last thing I remember "playing" with her-- we were getting older and outgrew that "pretend stuff" soon after.
Anyway... yes, that all connects with now... we are in such a hurry to grow up when we are young... along the way, we lose that sense of pretend, we grow older, we have responsibilities, we throw ourselves into our work, we have kids, everything becomes "management" oriented. For me, that is where everything has existed for a long time. There is no time for imagination; honestly, right now, no energy for dreams-- and glamor-- forget about it.
Fast forward past those years of playing and dreaming-- in college, there was still time for "glamor"-- "I" was still a priority to myself. I took care of myself, cared about how I looked-- wouldn't dare go anywhere without make-up and my hair fixed. I had places to go, things to do-- to dream about. When we got married, I felt the best about myself as I ever had or would since. We were married five years before Thomas was born and in that time, I graduated college, became a teacher-- and still cared about how I looked, what I wore, how my hair looked... the pounds stayed on a while after he was born, but I was also still teaching, began a diet, exercised, lost 45 pounds and re-discovered an interest in clothes... the idea of glamorous dates changed to Saturday meals out with the baby-- which was perfectly fine with me. He was so cute and happy and perfect-- we loved being with him and couldn't imagine going anywhere without him. Pretty soon, it started getting harder and harder to leave him with a sitter while I went off to teach and I was at a cross-roads with the requirements to further my education for my certification as a teacher. There was no way we could afford for me to work on my masters and have Thomas with a sitter all day and night-- not to mention, we couldn't stand that thought. So, through a series of events, I ended up staying home. I thought I would love it-- I loved my child more than life and loved the idea of being at home with him. But-- and warning-- brutal honesty begins here-- I didn't *love* it... I found myself mourning for "Mrs. Baker"-- the other half of me that had been busy and important outside of my house-- and the person that had the ability to still seek "glamor"-- however conservative a version it might have been. I was confused by that, but thought that it would be something that would just pass given enough time.
Fast forward a little more-- I began writing, had Tyler, the scrapbook store opened, I wrote a book, did professional development for the school system, began doing some design work for magazines, did some TV shows, began some websites and an online magazine with other designers... threw myself into it all. And, yes, there might have been a few moments of conservative glamor in there, too-- gasp-- even travel-- lol... but, notice, that I said we had Tyler right in the beginning of all of that, too. The whole time I was pregnant with him, I was super depressed. I still don't know for sure if it was hormonal or because I was still struggling with losing "Mrs. Baker" or a combination of the two or what... but, it didn't get much better after he was born. He was NOT a happy baby. He was cranky with digestion problems for a long time and didn't sleep well. His whole personality was the complete opposite of what Thomas' had been and I just didn't know how to deal with that. There were lots of things going on all at the same time, and there really wasn't much time to stop and think about it-- so I think I buried the emotional stuff under being busy... and just "managed".
In the middle of all this, I got super sick over the course of months-- throat infection after throat infection, yeast infections, strange health stuff that went unexplained and medicated... and I kept on with the book and with everything. Fast forward through all of that and a move out to the country... and everything in life changed once more.
We are now at two years later. The websites and magazines are done (except for one, which has been on hiatus anyway), the store is no longer open, the traveling all done, no ideas for more books at the moment, no plans for leading professional developments. Not much scrapping in general at all. Now, these things did not all change all at one time-- they were gradual... but through it all, I just kept thinking there was a plan in it-- God has a plan for all changes-- and to do us good, not harm... and I felt him tugging at me to slow down, to enjoy my family more, to connect more with Tyler... and I have faith in God's plans, but at the same time, little things with my health seemed to be getting worse.
When the "busy-ness" changed most, when things started getting "wrapped up", it was time for Christmas, and that was a busy family time. I decided to make gifts for everyone on our lists and was looking forward to having the time to do that-- I was actually excited about it. I threw myself into the task, spent my days shopping and crafting and wrapping things up on what was left of the online magazine... it was busy, but what I was used to and the promise of some rest was at the end.
Then, in the midst of Christmas preparations, I was sleeping one night, and OW, it felt like something stung my foot-- totally woke me up from a very sound sleep. I sat up in bed and told myself I was just dreaming or something. An hour later, OWWWW-- there it was again-- I looked all through the bed thinking there is a spider or something that must be stinging or biting me... there wasn't... several nights of this continue until it begins happening in broad daylight-- then even when I'm standing, walking, out shopping-- what the heck?!? It gets so bad that I can't even talk when it's happening-- it gets so bad I can't breathe...
Fast forward through a lot of tests and dr. visits... cultures, blood work, MRIs... excruciating fatigue, muscle aches, joint pain, the worst sinus infection I have ever had in my life... lots of medications, referrals... the only for sure diagnosis is neuropathy, tarsal tunnel and Raynaud's in my feet... the rest is unexplained still. I am not in a good place emotionally after 5 months of this to say the least. The thought of glamor, dreams, even goals are all very far from my mind. I've become secluded for the most part-- my big trips out for months being picking Thomas up from school, going to church and dinner afterward, and the grocery store every other week. If it were not for MOPS meetings once a month and a couple of concerts with Andrew, that would be it. For most of this time, that has been all I have had the energy for-- and if not for the kindness of loved ones, I would be with the kids (at least one) 24-hours a day now... which would be easier if I had more energy... but I thank God for those grocery breaks, the concerts, church and dinners and the people who have helped me with the kids and listened to me drone on and on about how awful of a place I have been in... where would I be without all of their help? I don't think it would be a place I could stand.
My "glamor" for right now at age 34 is finding a pair of shoes that my orthodic inserts will fit into so that I don't have to wear my tennis shoes with everything I wear. It's going out to dinner and to Wal-Mart with my husband. It's going to get my hair cut (this afternoon after 3 months--yikes!!!). It's cooking a good dinner that everyone will eat. It's keeping the laundry clean, folded and put away. It's having a good night's sleep. It's getting through an entire day without crying about something silly. It's in trying to find a new dream for myself that doesn't involve neglecting all the little things I have learned to find important... it's in feeling good-- and getting healthy.
What I am trying to get at with alllllll of this very long post is that I know there are lessons that I am learning and that I am supposed to be learning through pain, through paying attention to my health, through solitude, through tears, through the changes, through lack of things to occupy my mind that would distract from the lessons. If I am honest, I hate it... I REALLY hate some of it... but I know this is where God has designed to meet me, and He has His reasons. I am not perfect, I am not glamorous, I don't know what dreams I can even have, but I do know there are answers and I do know that while God doesn't want me "busy", I do need to find some re-defined "glamor" to give me "rest" from the "rest"... I don't want to lose what I have learned to be valuable-- I like having time with Tyler, I like having the laundry done and put away, I like cooking dinner, I like having things (mostly) in their right places-- things that were definitely neglected when I was at my busiest. There has to be some balance in all of this though and maybe that means that I need to be okay with the thought that my life is not going to be my old definition of glamor... but I need a re-defined "glamor"...
Dates at Wal-Mart and good shoes for my orthodics is definitely NOT the place I want to be the rest of my life, but for now it is where I am. My definition of glamor will never be the same again-- nor will my dreams. God is calling me to re-define my views and priorities before I can even begin to know what goals I should have. While I wouldn't mind occasionally borrowing someone else's life-- dress, shoes, dancing and all-- like the maid in the video from yesterday, it's more important that I learn the value of the life I actually have right now.
Lynn
Note: I guess I've been saving up on words for a while now. ;)
