grace in the unknown

I have never been a fan of the "unknown". Actually, I have always hated it-- wait, I shouldn't say hated... loathed, despised, maybe those are actually more accurate. I think we all, as humans, feel somewhat that way, at least from time to time. I don't think I am entirely alone in that. I am such a type-A, control freak by nature that I take that loathing to a new level though. I mean, when I feel like I don't know what is going to happen, I cannot stand it, I mean, I literally cannot stand it... I feel like I have to do *something*-- anything, just because I cannot stand to stand and wait for something to happen-- bad or good, so I usually take it into my hands and do something. For the first time, I see how wrong that is.

My nature also makes me a Martha-- I am sure I have said that here before. In the Bible, Martha was the one running around trying to "fix things", while her sister, Mary, was simply sitting at Jesus' feet, listening. It's easy for me to see how chaotic Martha seems, but it is often difficult for me to see it in myself when I am in the middle of it. Even though I know I tend to be a "Martha", I can't see it in myself while it's happening-- it's usually way after the fact, when I am completely exhausted from trying to do the impossible. But, see, to me, in the moment, it's not impossible, I am just not "good enough" to be able to do it. In my head, it seems like everyone around me is able to do it, and since I can't, there is something "wrong" with me. Perfectionist, admitted.

So, this summer, I have been reading-- no strike that-- devouring books. One after the other. It has seemed to me to be a gift from God-- the ability to suddenly read without falling asleep... and to find in the pages the things He has wanted me to see for what must have been eons now. I've read some fiction, just for fun-- which is soooooooo not like me-- and then I have read lots of books on health, too-- just trying to get my brain around the thyroid and fibromyalgia, to understand it (that kind of reading is much more in tune with my normal self-- reading for understanding). The third kind of book I have been reading is Christian inspirational. Now, before I get to the point of this post (that grace in the unknown thing up there in the title), I want to say that I have found God in all three kinds of books I have read this summer. I have found myself and "people" like me in the fiction books-- moms who are trying to make decisions, moms who want to be good moms, moms who want to be lots of things and because of that fact struggle, moms who end up seeing that their families are by far the most important. In the fun medical books (tongue in cheek), I have found answers. Answers, that for a long time have eluded me. Answers that I have needed. So in these two types of books, I have found health... some emotional, some physical... but it is the third kind of book that has connected these other two for me, and it is the third kind that God has gotten hold of me, and made me realize that there is actually grace in not knowing.

I know I have already mentioned one of the books I have read this summer, but for the sake of keeping it all together I want to list them... all together. :) Before I do that, I want to say that I absolutely, 100%, truly and honestly believe that every book I read this summer was because God had things for me to see in them. Not just these books I am about to list, but in all of them... even the fiction with some questionable language and storylines. Everything, and I mean everything I read had a purpose for me-- whether it was to reveal some hidden thought in me, or to make me laugh at myself, or to realize what can happen when we get too far from God, everything I read, I felt led to-- a couple of them even straight to the shelf where I found them in the library. A couple of them, I wondered about even as I checked them out, but see, even in this unknown, God had grace for me, because He knew there were things He could teach me through me reading them.

So, back to my list then... these are just the three "Christian inspiration" books I read-- I don't want to list the others-- not because I don't want you to know what I read, but because if you try this for yourself, I know there are books that God wants you to read and "choose" for yourself.

So, the list...

1. Choosing to Cheat by Andy Stanley. (This is the one I already posted about.) This is actually the book that led me, step by step, ever so slowly to my decision to quit my job-- and even to the decision to try and work part-time. This is the book that God used to tell me to stop trying to succeed for myself-- to stop making excuses about why I am usually very unavailable to my children and my husband. Now, keep in mind that this book is for workaholics-- this is not a "mom" or "dad" book exactly. This is a book that says if you let things get in the way, and if you let things get out of hand, and you work, work, work, work, work, before you know it, everything that really matters at the end of your life will be gone before you get there. The people who have wanted and needed you to be around, while all the time you have been unavailable to them (for whatever reason) may just decide that they have been fine without you being there and can handle it just fine without you there. The other option is that making your family feel like they are not as important as something else can actually lead to crisis... a crisis which will then force us to make the right priorities in our lives. The trick to that is to make the priorities before the crisis happens, instead of in the middle of it because we are forced to. Through this book, I saw myself as someone who has the need to seem successful to others-- and to complicate matters in my case, this is not something that happens easily. Because I am a "Martha" (and everything needs to be "just perfect") and because I have brain fog and fatigue (due to my health), it takes me even longer to "seem successful" than the average person. AND, because of ALL that, I was "cheating" my family of me. Another book I read (about Fibromyalgia) revealed to me that I do something called "Super-Normalizing", meaning that the more that I feel like I can't do some normal task, the harder I try to do it and more, just to prove that I can. So, you add all that together and you have a person who cheats at home to work more just to prove how "great" I am, and thus the lousier wife and mom I become at home. This is not at all to say that there are not moms and dads out there who can make it work, but according to this book, for it to work according to God's plan, you have to cheat your time and efforts somewhere and it needs to be at work. Now, in my line of work as a Christian teacher, that also does not seem fair to the children who end up in my classroom. For me, it looked like a no-win situation until, through MUCH prayer, I finally LISTENED to what God was telling me... to win doesn't HAVE to mean you have or do it all. Sometimes, it means you have to walk away from one thing so that you can make just the one most important thing be the most important thing... and that, for me, involved a huge step of faith... quiting my job. I won't give the whole book away, but Daniel was mentioned, and his steps of faith (check out the book of Daniel)... I just saw what it was that God wants from me through his stories and this book.

Moving along with my version of Reading Rainbow...

2. flashBANG: How I got Over Myself by Mark Steele. This book was hard for me to get into at first-- it is written in a very different style than most of us are used to-- it's sort of a stream of consciousness, conversation with self and God, memory flashback kind of style (got that? lol). But let me just say, this is one of the most powerful books I have ever read. The author is a comic (not to be confused with a comedian-- ha), and he is also a missionary, a dad, a business owner, lots of other things. Through his own story and all the messes that God has brought him through (FOR God's own glory), well, it is just an authentic, transparent story of how God wants to use us WHILE He teaches us and molds us into the people He wants us to be. He uses our weaknesses to makes us stronger-- but only through His own strength. "When we are weak, He is strong". This book had me rolling in stitches one minute and weeping in amazement the next. It has inspired me to want to get over myself, my hurts, my expectations, my disappointments, my attempts, to get TO the person God wants me to be. When we are empty of ourselves, God creates an explosion that leaves a real mark wherever we go and on whomever we touch... WOW, I want to be that for God. So, my prayer now is not, "What should I do now, God?", but "Who do you want me to be around while I do it?".

Number 3... now, I am just beginning this one... I have heard of it in lots of places and knew Andrew had it here already somewhere, but I couldn't find it. He sat down at the bookshelf a few nights ago, and pulled it out. This is one highly recommended by people like Michael W. Smith, Max Lucado, and Rich Mullins not only wrote a testimony in the beginning, but also named his band members the "Ragamuffin Band" after the book itself before he died several years ago. I have a feeling that this book, along with the others will change my life.

3. The Ragamuffin Gospel by Brennan Manning. As I said, I'm not too far in this book yet, but this sort-of "full-circle" epiphany hit me during my reading this morning and just made me stop. In moments like this, I just almost HAVE to pause in my reading, just to marinate in what God just said to me, so that I don't lose it's meaning-- to allow it to seep in, to become a permanent part of me. This morning, it was God's grace that saturated me. There's no other way to get the point across than to quote the book word for word, so bear with me... part of this quote is actually another quote by another author that the author of this book quotes. (Clear as mud?)

"The difference between faith as 'belief in something that may or may not exist' and faith as 'trusting in God' is enormous. The first is a matter of the head, the second a matter of the heart. The first can leave us unchanged, the second intrinsically brings change.

Such is the faith described by Paul Tillich in his famous work The Shaking of the Foundations: 'Grace strikes us when we are in great pain and restlessness. It strikes us when we walk through the dark valley of a meaningless and empty life.... It strikes us when, year after year, the longed-for perfection does not appear, when the old compulsions reign within us as they have for decades, when despair destroys all joy and courage. Sometimes at that moment a wave of light breaks into our darkness, and it is as though a voice were saying: "You are accepted, accepted by that which is greater than you, and the name of which you do not know. Do not ask for the name now; perhaps you will find it later. Do not try to do anything now; perhaps later you will do much. Do not seek for anything, do not perform anything, do not intend anything. Simply accept the fact that you are accepted." If that happens to us, we experience grace.'"

If you have made it this far, maybe you needed to read all these things, too. :) Thanks for sticking with me and hearing me out-- I needed to "say" all this to somebody. I am in the midst of God's grace. That is where I am. That is all I need to know.