grace in the unknown

I have never been a fan of the "unknown". Actually, I have always hated it-- wait, I shouldn't say hated... loathed, despised, maybe those are actually more accurate. I think we all, as humans, feel somewhat that way, at least from time to time. I don't think I am entirely alone in that. I am such a type-A, control freak by nature that I take that loathing to a new level though. I mean, when I feel like I don't know what is going to happen, I cannot stand it, I mean, I literally cannot stand it... I feel like I have to do *something*-- anything, just because I cannot stand to stand and wait for something to happen-- bad or good, so I usually take it into my hands and do something. For the first time, I see how wrong that is.

My nature also makes me a Martha-- I am sure I have said that here before. In the Bible, Martha was the one running around trying to "fix things", while her sister, Mary, was simply sitting at Jesus' feet, listening. It's easy for me to see how chaotic Martha seems, but it is often difficult for me to see it in myself when I am in the middle of it. Even though I know I tend to be a "Martha", I can't see it in myself while it's happening-- it's usually way after the fact, when I am completely exhausted from trying to do the impossible. But, see, to me, in the moment, it's not impossible, I am just not "good enough" to be able to do it. In my head, it seems like everyone around me is able to do it, and since I can't, there is something "wrong" with me. Perfectionist, admitted.

So, this summer, I have been reading-- no strike that-- devouring books. One after the other. It has seemed to me to be a gift from God-- the ability to suddenly read without falling asleep... and to find in the pages the things He has wanted me to see for what must have been eons now. I've read some fiction, just for fun-- which is soooooooo not like me-- and then I have read lots of books on health, too-- just trying to get my brain around the thyroid and fibromyalgia, to understand it (that kind of reading is much more in tune with my normal self-- reading for understanding). The third kind of book I have been reading is Christian inspirational. Now, before I get to the point of this post (that grace in the unknown thing up there in the title), I want to say that I have found God in all three kinds of books I have read this summer. I have found myself and "people" like me in the fiction books-- moms who are trying to make decisions, moms who want to be good moms, moms who want to be lots of things and because of that fact struggle, moms who end up seeing that their families are by far the most important. In the fun medical books (tongue in cheek), I have found answers. Answers, that for a long time have eluded me. Answers that I have needed. So in these two types of books, I have found health... some emotional, some physical... but it is the third kind of book that has connected these other two for me, and it is the third kind that God has gotten hold of me, and made me realize that there is actually grace in not knowing.

I know I have already mentioned one of the books I have read this summer, but for the sake of keeping it all together I want to list them... all together. :) Before I do that, I want to say that I absolutely, 100%, truly and honestly believe that every book I read this summer was because God had things for me to see in them. Not just these books I am about to list, but in all of them... even the fiction with some questionable language and storylines. Everything, and I mean everything I read had a purpose for me-- whether it was to reveal some hidden thought in me, or to make me laugh at myself, or to realize what can happen when we get too far from God, everything I read, I felt led to-- a couple of them even straight to the shelf where I found them in the library. A couple of them, I wondered about even as I checked them out, but see, even in this unknown, God had grace for me, because He knew there were things He could teach me through me reading them.

So, back to my list then... these are just the three "Christian inspiration" books I read-- I don't want to list the others-- not because I don't want you to know what I read, but because if you try this for yourself, I know there are books that God wants you to read and "choose" for yourself.

So, the list...

1. Choosing to Cheat by Andy Stanley. (This is the one I already posted about.) This is actually the book that led me, step by step, ever so slowly to my decision to quit my job-- and even to the decision to try and work part-time. This is the book that God used to tell me to stop trying to succeed for myself-- to stop making excuses about why I am usually very unavailable to my children and my husband. Now, keep in mind that this book is for workaholics-- this is not a "mom" or "dad" book exactly. This is a book that says if you let things get in the way, and if you let things get out of hand, and you work, work, work, work, work, before you know it, everything that really matters at the end of your life will be gone before you get there. The people who have wanted and needed you to be around, while all the time you have been unavailable to them (for whatever reason) may just decide that they have been fine without you being there and can handle it just fine without you there. The other option is that making your family feel like they are not as important as something else can actually lead to crisis... a crisis which will then force us to make the right priorities in our lives. The trick to that is to make the priorities before the crisis happens, instead of in the middle of it because we are forced to. Through this book, I saw myself as someone who has the need to seem successful to others-- and to complicate matters in my case, this is not something that happens easily. Because I am a "Martha" (and everything needs to be "just perfect") and because I have brain fog and fatigue (due to my health), it takes me even longer to "seem successful" than the average person. AND, because of ALL that, I was "cheating" my family of me. Another book I read (about Fibromyalgia) revealed to me that I do something called "Super-Normalizing", meaning that the more that I feel like I can't do some normal task, the harder I try to do it and more, just to prove that I can. So, you add all that together and you have a person who cheats at home to work more just to prove how "great" I am, and thus the lousier wife and mom I become at home. This is not at all to say that there are not moms and dads out there who can make it work, but according to this book, for it to work according to God's plan, you have to cheat your time and efforts somewhere and it needs to be at work. Now, in my line of work as a Christian teacher, that also does not seem fair to the children who end up in my classroom. For me, it looked like a no-win situation until, through MUCH prayer, I finally LISTENED to what God was telling me... to win doesn't HAVE to mean you have or do it all. Sometimes, it means you have to walk away from one thing so that you can make just the one most important thing be the most important thing... and that, for me, involved a huge step of faith... quiting my job. I won't give the whole book away, but Daniel was mentioned, and his steps of faith (check out the book of Daniel)... I just saw what it was that God wants from me through his stories and this book.

Moving along with my version of Reading Rainbow...

2. flashBANG: How I got Over Myself by Mark Steele. This book was hard for me to get into at first-- it is written in a very different style than most of us are used to-- it's sort of a stream of consciousness, conversation with self and God, memory flashback kind of style (got that? lol). But let me just say, this is one of the most powerful books I have ever read. The author is a comic (not to be confused with a comedian-- ha), and he is also a missionary, a dad, a business owner, lots of other things. Through his own story and all the messes that God has brought him through (FOR God's own glory), well, it is just an authentic, transparent story of how God wants to use us WHILE He teaches us and molds us into the people He wants us to be. He uses our weaknesses to makes us stronger-- but only through His own strength. "When we are weak, He is strong". This book had me rolling in stitches one minute and weeping in amazement the next. It has inspired me to want to get over myself, my hurts, my expectations, my disappointments, my attempts, to get TO the person God wants me to be. When we are empty of ourselves, God creates an explosion that leaves a real mark wherever we go and on whomever we touch... WOW, I want to be that for God. So, my prayer now is not, "What should I do now, God?", but "Who do you want me to be around while I do it?".

Number 3... now, I am just beginning this one... I have heard of it in lots of places and knew Andrew had it here already somewhere, but I couldn't find it. He sat down at the bookshelf a few nights ago, and pulled it out. This is one highly recommended by people like Michael W. Smith, Max Lucado, and Rich Mullins not only wrote a testimony in the beginning, but also named his band members the "Ragamuffin Band" after the book itself before he died several years ago. I have a feeling that this book, along with the others will change my life.

3. The Ragamuffin Gospel by Brennan Manning. As I said, I'm not too far in this book yet, but this sort-of "full-circle" epiphany hit me during my reading this morning and just made me stop. In moments like this, I just almost HAVE to pause in my reading, just to marinate in what God just said to me, so that I don't lose it's meaning-- to allow it to seep in, to become a permanent part of me. This morning, it was God's grace that saturated me. There's no other way to get the point across than to quote the book word for word, so bear with me... part of this quote is actually another quote by another author that the author of this book quotes. (Clear as mud?)

"The difference between faith as 'belief in something that may or may not exist' and faith as 'trusting in God' is enormous. The first is a matter of the head, the second a matter of the heart. The first can leave us unchanged, the second intrinsically brings change.

Such is the faith described by Paul Tillich in his famous work The Shaking of the Foundations: 'Grace strikes us when we are in great pain and restlessness. It strikes us when we walk through the dark valley of a meaningless and empty life.... It strikes us when, year after year, the longed-for perfection does not appear, when the old compulsions reign within us as they have for decades, when despair destroys all joy and courage. Sometimes at that moment a wave of light breaks into our darkness, and it is as though a voice were saying: "You are accepted, accepted by that which is greater than you, and the name of which you do not know. Do not ask for the name now; perhaps you will find it later. Do not try to do anything now; perhaps later you will do much. Do not seek for anything, do not perform anything, do not intend anything. Simply accept the fact that you are accepted." If that happens to us, we experience grace.'"

If you have made it this far, maybe you needed to read all these things, too. :) Thanks for sticking with me and hearing me out-- I needed to "say" all this to somebody. I am in the midst of God's grace. That is where I am. That is all I need to know.

looking for open doors

I am just really trying to watch for God's lead in my life and so by doing that, I am trying to keep my eyes open for open doors, closed doors, etc. I have taken this time during summer to search myself, to pray, to look, to listen. The combination of the summer break, the boys both being in the same school (not mine) this coming school year, my health "revelations" and various other things, has me pondering about whether I am capable of "doing it all" this coming school year... and if I am actually called to that. Physically, spiritually and emotionally, I don't know if I can-- I don't know if I should. So, in that spirit, I have just been trying to keep my eyes open for possibilities... ways that I might simplify-- ways that I can be healthier than I have been-- and still with the knowledge that we have to have money to buy food, pay bills, etc. Working 14+ hours a day, and then in turn, not being able to keep up with my own children, and always collapsing at the end of every day is definitely not the picture of a healthy mom. Not to mention being a wife, trying to be a friend to others, keeping the bills paid and the house clean, food on the table, etc., etc.

Being here this summer has really just made me ponder what I am really capable of, and what sacrifices I make-- and of those, how many of those are actually sacrifices that God calls me to make. Being a mom is hard-- doing the right things for my kids is hard, but I know God calls me to be a mom, and I love being a mom. With my decreased energy and stamina (for lack of a better word), how can I be the best mom I can when I am at constant battle with the other person I have to be when I am working 14 hour days? I'm not at all trying to control this situation-- I really have changed so much in that area-- just trying to seek what God wants me to do.

I guess this post is mostly just a "thinking out loud" post, as I am seeking to make changes, but it's also a "me getting honest" post... I need to openly do that from time to time. :) With the thyroid stuff and the fibromyalgia, I now can see *why* I have been so spent. I used to tell Andrew before (before the FMS diagnosis, and all the ways that God has worked on me through this) that I felt like a loser-- that I couldn't seem to "do, do, do" all the things that other moms / women "do, do, do"... and now that I understand WHY I can't, I guess I am trying to "embrace" it and make changes-- to have more energy for the things that really are the most important in this life that God has given us.

SO... all that to say that I am looking to simplify; to make changes where I can, and if anyone has any suggestions or can point me in the direction of working, but still being the mom I should be, I am wide open. And, if you are willing to share, please do-- and if you are willing to pray for me-- that I can clearly see what God wants me to do to make the best decisions for my family and for my health, I would so very much appreciate it. And know that I will pray for you, too.

Lynn

ETA: Major prayer request for Andrew and his job, too.... they are waiting on hearing about a grant that they REALLY need to get for Andrew to continue his work... I won't go into the specifics, but this is something that is VERY important. They have a meeting coming up next week... this is also something that will determine what choices we have as a family. I know that it is in God's hands, and this will likely reveal our next steps, so in reality *this* is what I most need prayer for. :)

feeling confused

Have you seen those commercials-- I think it is actually for car insurance quotes-- where the people are in a big red dot on the floor-- they describe some what-seems-to-be-hopeless situation and say "I am so there"? Let me check real quick and see if I can find one...

Ah, yes... here we go... this one is perfect.



So, this is where I am with, it seems, everything right now. Right on the red dot. I don't know if I am exactly fighting this fibro diagnosis, or just questioning it or what, but all I know is that this medication I am taking me is knocking me out, messing with my memory, making me dizzy (in the strongest sense of the word), and still doesn't seem to be working... so, I am doubting it and even the diagnosis. I went online and asked advice and opinions-- and everyone seems to be screaming, "YES! You have FMS!", but all I know is that I want to stop twitching-- I have to stop twitching, and this stuff so far ain't doing it... and I'm still tired (even MORE so), muscles are tired and hurting, the whole thing... I am trying to hold out-- to give it time, but the side effects don't seem to be getting any better yet. And, then I find myself wondering, can I function this way when schools goes back?? Esepcially if I end up with a whole lot more kids in my class, a longer day, Tyler in school (with possible homework added to Thomas') and Andrew's job changing?? Everything I read about fibro. says you need to simplify your life and adjust your life TO finbromyalgia... exactly how am I supposed to do that?

I have been looking for a yoga class-- can't find one that I can make it to, so we visited the local county fitness center yesterday. They have an awesome indoor pool, a walking track, weight and fitness rooms and offer classes-- no beginner yoga right now though as I can find. I'm not paid again until the end of August, so joining as a family is out for now, but I'm thinking about taking the kids once a week for summer as a "drop in"-- or maybe going as a family on the weekends. But I can't do even the cycle or walking track if the kids are with me, so that leaves the pool... is that enough? (I can't swim, so it would be walking in the pool essentially.)

I'm sorry, I know I said I wanted to get back to posting something other than "health-related" posts, but as you can see, I am totally on this red dot and feel like I can't get my questions answered. (I will try to post some pics from the county fair next time if I can figure out how to get them from Andrew's phone-- we went yesterday-- it was way exhausting, but the kids had so, so much fun). I think I am going to try and make an appointment with my GP as a "follow-up" sort of thing to the rheumatologist appointment and my diagnosis. I have put that off a bit I think mostly because of his previous involvement with the school where I teach and not wanting to give off any preconceived notions at school, but I'm going to just have to bite the bullet and do it. I can't stay on this red dot forever, and I feel like I have been there already for years with NO answers. Now, I have some and I'm just confused by them.

L

frustrated

OK-- I think I've used that title before-- LOL...

Anyway, I am in this creatively frustrated thing right now. I'm taking pictures, trying to learn-- to squeeze it all in because I *want* to take pictures... I *want* to learn how to do it and do it right, but I don't have the right equipment and so I am limited by what I have, and can't afford what I need to do it right. I also have all these ideas whirling around in my head and *want* to do them, but I'm restrained-- by time, by what I *have* to do everyday, but money, by all of those things that box us in. But it's more than just that really. I'm floundering... I HATE that feeling...

Since going back to work and all the other things of "normal life", I've kind of felt this gradually increasing nagging feeling, like what I am doing is "safe" but maybe not "right", all that bothers me, too, because if it was God's will for me to be doing these things, then I shouldn't feel so antsy, should I? So, I feel guilty for not wanting to do them... ugh... does that even make sense? Restless isn't even the right word... I don't know exactly the right words to use, but basically, a very large part of me isn't getting any exercise and so I am frustrated. I know I am supposed to be a servant, to put others before myself, I am just struggling with doing so much of that I guess maybe... I don't know... it sometimes squeezes the "me" out of me. I get lost in it.

This past week, I quit my steering team position in MOPS and a couple of other things that just were beginning to feel more like labor than labors of love... because of the time constraints, because of being a mom and trying to get it all in and make sure my boys get what they need from me, and because of the pursuit to find something that is me... I'm in this exhausted state of being right now... I need a date, I need a manicure, I need a facial, I need a camera, I need a raincoat and a sunburn (threw in a Counting Crows reference for you, dear)... I don't ask much, do I? (smirk) I am feeling demanding, and yet I can't stop myself... Anyway... just needed to somehow get that all into words and then maybe I can move on-- you know that's what I do here. I guess these posts are really for myself, and not that anyone else is reading them, but if you are, just know, this rant was just for me... I'll post something happy next time.

Enjoy some Counting Crows on me. :)



L

What if you could do anything...

you wanted? This thought has been with me this week... it's been a strange week for me going back to work after the holidays... I've been thinking about what I would do if I could do anything I wanted. Andrew's been hard at work on some proposals for work and the thought of those possible changes has caused my wheels to spin I suppose. Then, yesterday, was an, um eventful day, is what I will call it, at work and I've just been pondering my future a bit I guess.

I could go back for my Master's... but what would I want to pursue? Library Science? Writing? I could really get serious about learning photography. I could write. I could design as a freelancer. Teaching is what my degree is in, but do I see myself always doing that? I guess I'm struggling with that. I felt God leading me to do what it is I am currently doing, but was that just for a season? Not sure... as the boys get older and Tyler begins school and homework, can I see myself juggling all that? So I am just pondering... what would the dream / ideal thing be?

Then, I've still got ucky health crud going on... too gross to discuss, but I've got to deal with it somehow.

Just wondering how it all fits. But, if I have learned anything over the last year, it is that *I* am *NOT* the one in control of my "destiny". How limited a life it would be if I were, and I know that I should thank God for that, really. Just got my wheels spinning and curious about the next season.

L

ignorance is bliss...

Warning: deep thoughts ahead-- LOL.

OK, maybe not "ignorance" exactly, but "not knowing". I would love to have the type of personality that didn't need to understand every tiny little detail of every single thing. I drive myself nuts. I started thinking about the tests that the immunologist ran-- not really knowing exactly what they were-- and I wondered if the results were back yet. Since I don't go back until the 31st, I thought the easiest way to at least tell if they were back yet was to just look at my insurance info online to see if it had come through yet... mistake...

Not only now do I see a big bill headed my way (on top of many others I already have, which makes me worry more), but I also now know that they ran some DNA tests called flow cytometry, which is good and thorough (will help flag what's going on with the candida), but also flags things like cancer, leukemia, serious immune issues... (I had to dig around for what this thing was for)... anyway, now I'm nervous again. That's why I think not knowing is better... I mean, I know I *need* to know what's going on, but I would have been a lot better off not knowing exactly what they had done until I get there and the dr. tells me.

I really do know God is in control and I feel like I am going where He has sent me in respect to going back to teaching and all the things involved in that. The point is, I need to stop my quest for being so thorough about everything and just trust Him to give me the answers. I am seeing that more and more. It's much like when the truck trailer hit us a few weeks ago. Stuff happens, you get out and take a look at it, but realize there's nothing you can do to change it and you keep going, trusting God to take care of it. You don't examine it too closely-- don't let it take your eyes off of Him and where He was taking you before it happened. You let it unfold and keep going.

Rich Mullins was so right...

If we can reach beyond the wisdom of this age
Into the foolishness of God
That foolishness will save those who believe...

I need to own that... that is bliss.

100 lives

Brain freeze-- that's the thing today. Drives me nuts. I'm sort-of in this mode where I get stuck on one thing and before I know it, the whole day is about gone. Anybody else do that? It's a lot like the times when you have lots to do but all you can seem to do is sit and stare-- hard to motivate yourself out of the spot you're in. The only difference with this brain freeze is that I am actually working on something, but I have a lot of other things needing my attention, too, but I can't get from one thing to another.

OK-- here's my deep thought for the day... cats have nothing on me... I think I must have at least 100 lives. I'm not saying that I am using mine up in the same way that cats do (ha) or that I'm going to start talking to myself :p, I just have been looking back at places I've been and places I'm going and it's just amazing to me how many things you can do and be in 30-some years. What dragged me in this brainfreeze/time warp thing was that I have been pulling some papers and contact lists together from one of my previous lives. (No, I also don't believe in reincarnation--lol)-- I am just talking about my life pre writing/scrapbooking/designing... It felt strange-- almost like looking through someone else's papers. I guess I really am this old and that much time has passed. There was a ton of stuff I had done that somehow I had completely forgotten about-- and people I had forgotten about. I called one of my former contacts from teaching and we talked for a while. She seemed kind-of the same as I remembered her, but I felt like I was a stranger while talking to her... just an odd day... I'm sure none of this makes much sense--lol... sorry...

Just a lot of thoughts rattling around and I'm wondering if it's possible to become a person again that you had forgotten that you were at one time... I'm this "done, move on" kind of person generally speaking. I'm just wondering if it's possible to re-visit some of the 100 lives?

K... deep thoughts over. I'm sure I'll read this later and it won't make any sense even to me... oiy!

Lynn

Re-defining glamor Re: the video from yesterday [Warning: LONG!!!!!!!!]

So, I said I would explain my video choice from yesterday...

I got to "go out" with Andrew last night-- we went to dinner and Wal-Mart. LOL-- I know... how exciting! But it did me some good to sit at a table with my husband and not have to cut food, wipe mouths or talk about using manners... and it was good to push a cart without having to maneuver it with a kid hanging on to the end of it and forgetting everything I came for in the midst of breaking up arguments. I know that there are TONS of moms who understand that very well, and I am sure there are also tons of moms who never go out without the kids EVER. So... for me... I thought about the video before we went out yesterday-- a video from when I was basically a kid, and it made me think about a lot things.

I used to dream (like the maid in the video) about "glamorous" dates with glamorous clothes, glamorous shoes, dancing... When we were kids, my cousin and I used to pretend that we were grown and living in New York in an apartment together, getting ready for our dates to pick us up. We'd fix our hair and pretend to put on make-up and perfume... we'd talk to our dates on pretend phones about the date (this was waaaaaaayyyyyyyyyyy before cell phones or we would have done that, too I am sure), and we even had an elevator that came up into our pretend loft apartment. We didn't see each other a lot back then-- we lived pretty far apart, but that was the last thing I remember "playing" with her-- we were getting older and outgrew that "pretend stuff" soon after.

Anyway... yes, that all connects with now... we are in such a hurry to grow up when we are young... along the way, we lose that sense of pretend, we grow older, we have responsibilities, we throw ourselves into our work, we have kids, everything becomes "management" oriented. For me, that is where everything has existed for a long time. There is no time for imagination; honestly, right now, no energy for dreams-- and glamor-- forget about it.

Fast forward past those years of playing and dreaming-- in college, there was still time for "glamor"-- "I" was still a priority to myself. I took care of myself, cared about how I looked-- wouldn't dare go anywhere without make-up and my hair fixed. I had places to go, things to do-- to dream about. When we got married, I felt the best about myself as I ever had or would since. We were married five years before Thomas was born and in that time, I graduated college, became a teacher-- and still cared about how I looked, what I wore, how my hair looked... the pounds stayed on a while after he was born, but I was also still teaching, began a diet, exercised, lost 45 pounds and re-discovered an interest in clothes... the idea of glamorous dates changed to Saturday meals out with the baby-- which was perfectly fine with me. He was so cute and happy and perfect-- we loved being with him and couldn't imagine going anywhere without him. Pretty soon, it started getting harder and harder to leave him with a sitter while I went off to teach and I was at a cross-roads with the requirements to further my education for my certification as a teacher. There was no way we could afford for me to work on my masters and have Thomas with a sitter all day and night-- not to mention, we couldn't stand that thought. So, through a series of events, I ended up staying home. I thought I would love it-- I loved my child more than life and loved the idea of being at home with him. But-- and warning-- brutal honesty begins here-- I didn't *love* it... I found myself mourning for "Mrs. Baker"-- the other half of me that had been busy and important outside of my house-- and the person that had the ability to still seek "glamor"-- however conservative a version it might have been. I was confused by that, but thought that it would be something that would just pass given enough time.

Fast forward a little more-- I began writing, had Tyler, the scrapbook store opened, I wrote a book, did professional development for the school system, began doing some design work for magazines, did some TV shows, began some websites and an online magazine with other designers... threw myself into it all. And, yes, there might have been a few moments of conservative glamor in there, too-- gasp-- even travel-- lol... but, notice, that I said we had Tyler right in the beginning of all of that, too. The whole time I was pregnant with him, I was super depressed. I still don't know for sure if it was hormonal or because I was still struggling with losing "Mrs. Baker" or a combination of the two or what... but, it didn't get much better after he was born. He was NOT a happy baby. He was cranky with digestion problems for a long time and didn't sleep well. His whole personality was the complete opposite of what Thomas' had been and I just didn't know how to deal with that. There were lots of things going on all at the same time, and there really wasn't much time to stop and think about it-- so I think I buried the emotional stuff under being busy... and just "managed".

In the middle of all this, I got super sick over the course of months-- throat infection after throat infection, yeast infections, strange health stuff that went unexplained and medicated... and I kept on with the book and with everything. Fast forward through all of that and a move out to the country... and everything in life changed once more.

We are now at two years later. The websites and magazines are done (except for one, which has been on hiatus anyway), the store is no longer open, the traveling all done, no ideas for more books at the moment, no plans for leading professional developments. Not much scrapping in general at all. Now, these things did not all change all at one time-- they were gradual... but through it all, I just kept thinking there was a plan in it-- God has a plan for all changes-- and to do us good, not harm... and I felt him tugging at me to slow down, to enjoy my family more, to connect more with Tyler... and I have faith in God's plans, but at the same time, little things with my health seemed to be getting worse.

When the "busy-ness" changed most, when things started getting "wrapped up", it was time for Christmas, and that was a busy family time. I decided to make gifts for everyone on our lists and was looking forward to having the time to do that-- I was actually excited about it. I threw myself into the task, spent my days shopping and crafting and wrapping things up on what was left of the online magazine... it was busy, but what I was used to and the promise of some rest was at the end.

Then, in the midst of Christmas preparations, I was sleeping one night, and OW, it felt like something stung my foot-- totally woke me up from a very sound sleep. I sat up in bed and told myself I was just dreaming or something. An hour later, OWWWW-- there it was again-- I looked all through the bed thinking there is a spider or something that must be stinging or biting me... there wasn't... several nights of this continue until it begins happening in broad daylight-- then even when I'm standing, walking, out shopping-- what the heck?!? It gets so bad that I can't even talk when it's happening-- it gets so bad I can't breathe...

Fast forward through a lot of tests and dr. visits... cultures, blood work, MRIs... excruciating fatigue, muscle aches, joint pain, the worst sinus infection I have ever had in my life... lots of medications, referrals... the only for sure diagnosis is neuropathy, tarsal tunnel and Raynaud's in my feet... the rest is unexplained still. I am not in a good place emotionally after 5 months of this to say the least. The thought of glamor, dreams, even goals are all very far from my mind. I've become secluded for the most part-- my big trips out for months being picking Thomas up from school, going to church and dinner afterward, and the grocery store every other week. If it were not for MOPS meetings once a month and a couple of concerts with Andrew, that would be it. For most of this time, that has been all I have had the energy for-- and if not for the kindness of loved ones, I would be with the kids (at least one) 24-hours a day now... which would be easier if I had more energy... but I thank God for those grocery breaks, the concerts, church and dinners and the people who have helped me with the kids and listened to me drone on and on about how awful of a place I have been in... where would I be without all of their help? I don't think it would be a place I could stand.

My "glamor" for right now at age 34 is finding a pair of shoes that my orthodic inserts will fit into so that I don't have to wear my tennis shoes with everything I wear. It's going out to dinner and to Wal-Mart with my husband. It's going to get my hair cut (this afternoon after 3 months--yikes!!!). It's cooking a good dinner that everyone will eat. It's keeping the laundry clean, folded and put away. It's having a good night's sleep. It's getting through an entire day without crying about something silly. It's in trying to find a new dream for myself that doesn't involve neglecting all the little things I have learned to find important... it's in feeling good-- and getting healthy.

What I am trying to get at with alllllll of this very long post is that I know there are lessons that I am learning and that I am supposed to be learning through pain, through paying attention to my health, through solitude, through tears, through the changes, through lack of things to occupy my mind that would distract from the lessons. If I am honest, I hate it... I REALLY hate some of it... but I know this is where God has designed to meet me, and He has His reasons. I am not perfect, I am not glamorous, I don't know what dreams I can even have, but I do know there are answers and I do know that while God doesn't want me "busy", I do need to find some re-defined "glamor" to give me "rest" from the "rest"... I don't want to lose what I have learned to be valuable-- I like having time with Tyler, I like having the laundry done and put away, I like cooking dinner, I like having things (mostly) in their right places-- things that were definitely neglected when I was at my busiest. There has to be some balance in all of this though and maybe that means that I need to be okay with the thought that my life is not going to be my old definition of glamor... but I need a re-defined "glamor"...

Dates at Wal-Mart and good shoes for my orthodics is definitely NOT the place I want to be the rest of my life, but for now it is where I am. My definition of glamor will never be the same again-- nor will my dreams. God is calling me to re-define my views and priorities before I can even begin to know what goals I should have. While I wouldn't mind occasionally borrowing someone else's life-- dress, shoes, dancing and all-- like the maid in the video from yesterday, it's more important that I learn the value of the life I actually have right now.

Lynn

Note: I guess I've been saving up on words for a while now. ;)